Quick summary: This is a premarital or a life long commitment questionnaire that I developed to encourage partners to talk openly
about subjects that tend to have a significant impact on the success of a marriage or other long-term relationships. This questionnaire is suitable for people of all different cultures and religions and for any two people who desire a lasting relationship. It is often very helpful to seek out the assistance of a therapist for such an exercise as some of the questions can be rather difficult; a therapist can help a couple to process their answers in a safe and constructive fashion. To therapists I would suggest that you read the questions and have the couples answer the questions to each other (have them face each other and not you the therapist). A therapist should tell the clients that they can ask for assistance in a future session if any subjects need more therapeutic attention… without this disclaimer it could be rather difficult to finish the questionnaire in a single session (if you have no such time constraints than you can decide with your clients what the ideal process would look like).
Directions:
For the sake of time – your answers should be important to you… this is not an exercise in which you need to give a long answer for every question. (If you are doing this on your own time you might gain valuable insight if you make this a more involved exercise).
- For example, when asked what your similarities are, simply write down or offer your partner a couple or a few similarities that are most important to your relationship… you do not need to tell your partner every way in which you are similar such as “we both like potato chips.”
Stop, Start, & Continue – for many questions you will asked what needs to start happening, what needs to stop happening, and what needs to continue happening for you to have a successful relationship.
- You are not required to answer all three for all questions if they do not seem relevant or if your answers are starting to feel redundant. Answer any of the three that feels most important to you.
Scaling – In the left column please scale between 1 & 10 (1, 3, 8, etc) the degree to which the question feels important to you (1 = low importance & 10 = high importance). You will be rating which questions need more attention to better your relationship. The scale will be between 1 and 10… you can use any number in-between to signify the degree of importance.
- Put down a one ( 1 ) if the question needs absolutely no more time or thought… this would be a question that feels irrelevant or entirely dealt with.
- Put down a ( 10 ) if the question needs attention… this would be a question that must be attended to in order for you to feel confident in your relationship.
Questions
1.) Why do you want to get married or why do you desire to make a life long commitment to your partner? What is the purpose of such a commitment in your opinion?
2.) What actions are absolutely impermissible in your relationship… what actions would lead you to wanting to end the relationship? (Affairs, lack of sexuality, lack of commonality, unethical behavior by your partner, abusive, inactive parent, emotionally unavailable, bad habit etc)
- How would you handle such a difficulty? What support would you seek?
- Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, what does it take to make a marriage work?
3.) What are the similarities that you have with your partner that are most important to you?
4.) In what ways do you believe that you are significantly different from your partner?
5.) What aspect of your partner do you find yourself having the most trouble accepting?
- Your suggested solution is:
What aspect about yourself (character trait) would you like to be better accepted by your partner?
- Your suggested solution is:
Is there something that you do that you would like more appreciation for?
6.) What aspect of yourself (character trait, personality) do you intend to change? (Examples: stubborn, argumentative, passive aggressive, pessimistic etc)
- How can your partner help?
What aspect of your partner (character trait, personality) would you like to see changed? (Examples: stubborn, argumentative, passive aggressive, pessimistic etc)
- How can you help your partner?
7.) Is there anything about your past that your partner will need to understand to be able to understand you and how you interact in a relationship? Is there anything from your past that you believe to be unresolved?
What are your triggers – what subjects or behaviors do you seem to react to more than others do? (Ex. messy people, alcoholism, controlling behavior, yelling, privacy, being corrected, jealousy, feeling ignored, sarcasm, politics, children misbehaving etc)
Is there anything that you want your partner to know that you have not been able to talk about? What would be the best context to discuss such a topic? (Ex. trauma, relationship with parent, past relationship, feelings of failure, feelings of inadequacy.)
8.) How capable is your partner at dealing with conflict in the relationship?
What is important for him/her to:
- Stop doing?
- Start doing?
- Continue doing?
How capable are you at dealing with conflict in the relationship?
What is important for you to:
- Stop doing?
- Start doing?
- Continue doing?
9.) Are there any fears or concerns that you carry related to your relationship or related to relationships in general? What are they?
What do you need from your partner in relation to these fears and concerns?
What or who do you believe is the biggest threat to your marriage?
10.) How is the communication in your relationship? Are there any areas that need improvements? (Ex. talking about: sexuality, trauma, desires for change, finances, parenting, your partner’s friends and family, ambitions, politics etc).
Are you able to make your partner feel validated and respected?
Does your partner make your feel validated and respected?
Do you have a good idea about when to be empathetic and when to ‘fix it’… do you know when to take action or to offer suggestions and when to just listen empathetically?
How good is your partner at doing this?
What is important for you both to:
- Stop doing?
- Start doing?
- Continue doing?
11.) How will finances be handled in this relationship? Will you have joint and/or separate banking accounts? Who is in charge of the bills? How do you plan on handling the debt that is brought into the marriage?
How do you plan on dealing with big purchases that only benefit one individual? (Ex. sports car, upgraded entertainment system, designer products, items for a hobby etc)
Is there an amount of money that can be spent without talking with your spouse first?
In relation to finances what is important that you both:
- Stop doing?
- Start doing?
- Continue doing?
12.) What habits, behaviors, or activities do you or your partner engage in that you would like to see changed now or would expect to change in the future? (Ex. video games, drinking, smoking, gambling, clubbing, dependency on a parent, traveling etc.)
- What is your solution?
Are there any habits, behaviors or activities that you would like to develop or engage in with greater frequency? (Ex. date night, exercise, travel, saving money, education, seeing friends etc.)
13.) What are the roles in your marriage? Do you plan to have ‘classic’ roles (one provider/decision maker and one nurturer/ homemaker) or do you plan to be egalitarian… perhaps a mix… perhaps something novel? Who makes major decisions? (ex. who decides on: vacations, kid’s schooling, insurance policies, investments, where to live etc)
In relation to household chores, work, and planning, what do you expect from your partner?
What is important for you both to:
- Stop doing?
- Start doing?
- Continue doing?
14.) Sexuality goes through lots of changes throughout a relationship.
What are your expectations in regards to sexual frequency?
How do you plan on handling situations in which sexual desire is different?
In relation to the sexuality in your relationship what is important for you both to:
- Stop doing?
- Start doing?
- Continue doing?
15.) What are your goals pertaining to subjects such as community involvement, religion, and spirituality?
What is important for you both to:
- Stop doing?
- Start doing?
- Continue doing?
16.) How do you intend to parent your children? What are your expectations of your partner in relation to parenting?
What is important for you both to:
- Stop doing?
- Start doing?
- Continue doing?
How many (if any) children do you intend to have?
What are your birth control expectations when you are done having children? (Ex. vasectomy, condoms, birth control pills etc)
17.) What are your expectations surrounding leisure and recreation in your relationship?
What is important for you both to:
- Stop doing?
- Start doing?
- Continue doing?
18.) How will you confront each other if you feel as though your partner is making decisions that could negatively impact his/her personal health, you and your children’s health, the family system, or your spousal relationship? Has this ever been a difficulty for you in any relationship?
What is important for you both to:
- Stop doing?
- Start doing?
- Continue doing?
19.) What are the dreams, wishes, goals, and ambitions that you have for your life with your partner? What would you love to have happen in your future in relation to both individual and relationship goals?
What support do you need from your partner to assist you in realizing your dreams?
20.) What other specific needs do you have that you would like your partner to meet?
What are your emotional needs?
How good is your partner at understanding and empathizing with you? In what ways or in what situations would you like more understanding and empathy?
How can your partner best meet your needs?
Did we miss anything? Is there anything else that feels important to discuss with your Partner?
This is the information that we need to have good relationships!