You settle into your seat on the airplane and right before takeoff you hear the familiar mantra:
“In the event of pressure loss in the cabin, oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling above you… please safely secure your own mask before attempting to assist others…”
We all hear this and end up remaining mostly fixated on why the bag won’t inflate and what harm would come about if we prematurely turned on our electronic devises.
We often miss the symbolism of this rather wise communication = you can’t be expected to effectively help others if you don’t help yourself first… you can’t help others to breath if you are not breathing.
So then we are asked to slow down and contemplate this message for a minute and find our selves saying, “well of course – isn’t that painfully obvious?”
here though is the follow up question.. “why are none of us (or very few of us) following this wisdom if it is so undeniable?”
to clarify the question – “why are we not taking care of ourselves before engaging in activities aimed at fixing the problems of others?”
I would propose two possible answers: shame and our over-reliance on cognitive pragmatics
the hypothesis for this contemplative exercise would be that if we gain insight concerning our automaticity we may be able to use our consciousness to do something different in the future.
lets start with cognitive pragmatics as it sounds sophisticated though in truth the phrase was mostly just a product of my never ending desire to add poetics to prose.
what I am calling ‘cognitive pragmatics’ is a process in which we engage in problem solving strategies within our thought processes. This activity is really quite an addictive game and you don’t actually need to behaviorally do anything nor do you need to alter your being in order to win – to be successfully in the activity.
So then you get to feel the emotional benefits of winning without doing much of anything to change the reality outside of your own thought process.
What does this have to do with helping others with airplane masks? I am proposing that it may be that it takes significantly less effort to disassociate into your own head and engage in a deductive processes aimed at fixing the problems of others than it is to engage in efforts to change your being or your behavior = it is easier to strategize the process of assisting another with getting their mask on than to put your own mask on.
and now we arrive at a point of irony in that this use of cognitive pragmatics seems to be extremely illogical … but wow doesn’t it feel important?
let me give a quick parenting example: You and your partner are finding yourselves working later and later into the evening… you arrive home stressed and without any time for regulating connection before immersing yourselves into the nighttime routine of dinner making – teeth brushing – book reading – bed-timing. Your 5 year old starts becoming regularly disruptive at the dinner table – he starts getting up without permission and eating with his hands.
option 1.) cognitive pragmatics = on the way to work the next day you spend an hour contemplating a consequence and reward system to get your kid to stay seated at dinner time.
option 2.) Changing your own behaviors and being = you take steps to get home earlier, you make an effort to connect and regulate with your partner when your arrive home, you reorganize your priorities to increase fulfillment and reduce stress in your life, you make efforts to be present and emotionally balanced knowing that your kid is a sponge to your energy.
Which one sounds easier?
lets move onto the bigger one – shame
“breathing air is selfish when there are so many in the airplane without any air” = this seems wrong, but there is a part of us that ‘feels’ like we are in emotional agreement.
“meeting all of your own needs when there are so many others out there that are not having their most basic needs met is selfish” = OK now we are getting closer… for some reason this statement feels particularly true. And if it is true to us, then we would feel shame in meeting our own needs.
“It is wrong for you to have abundance when there are so many people without enough” = “It is an act of justice for you to impoverish yourself so that all abundance is is equally distributed.” = now we have arrived at a very common and frequently verbalized belief system… despite the fact that most of us carry this belief to some extent, is there actually any logic in this idea?
What if it was true that their is actually plenty of air for everyone and the best way to distribute this air is to breath abundantly yourself so that you have the health and clarity to help others to breath with abundance?
what is your emotional reaction to that suggestion – what do you feel? Perhaps we are thinking about religious suggestions – perhaps we are angry because fairness isn’t being talked about – perhaps we do not believe that this philosophical examination is integrating other ideas such as power and privileged – perhaps we have begun a rant about how all those with abundance are exploiting other people…
and perhaps we are ashamed that part of us knows that we need to breath in order to help others to breath.
the longer I am a therapist the more I find an old wisdom to be most true = it is my being which is my most important and effective tool in the therapy room. My knowledge and skill with techniques and theory is useful, but in truth quite small in comparison to my ability to maintain a presence which is open, balanced, regulated, authentic, accepting, and in the moment.
I do not always make life choices which are congruent with this observation = I sacrifice my state of being in an effort to fix problems = and in sacrificing my state of being I find myself less effective at solving problems. 😉
Breathing then becomes the most selfless thing you can do for other people.
this morning writing this blog was what I needed… I just put on my own mask.