There is more than one way to skin a cat they say…
and there is more than one way to row a boat, but if there are two people rowing that boat you better find a common way.
and so it is with parenting, guiding, directing, and mentoring our young ones.
family systems can and perhaps should parent their young ones with different methods than other family systems, but as with the boat, you are unlikely to guide a child in a meaningful way if the older generations is offering inconsistent or contradicting guidance to that kid.
So now we arrive at the rowboat metaphor – what will happen to the boat if two rowers are engaging in different strategies that essentially ignore the methods of the other person?
the answer is that the boat isn’t going to go in a meaningful direction despite the best interests and intentions of the rowers.
We mostly get the above metaphor, but there is another piece to this that entices us to use this dysfunctional method. We love love love love to be right! Which is so very ironic as in our efforts to be right we are often doing something indisputably wrong (that comment was also ironic).
Now what is the best rowing strategy? – to row from back to front … or from front to back? Is it best to have the advantage of greater core power by having your back face the direction you are moving … or is it better to have the advantage of better sight by facing the direction you are moving?
the obvious point here is that the answer is mostly subjective and the best choice would be to have both rowers using the same strategy…. the best strategy is the same strategy = the best strategy is not to debate on the boat about which of the two differing methods is best.
In the above metaphor the boat is the kid and the different guidance from the two rowers (parents) has a very concrete impact on the direction of the boat (kid)… now lets complicate this metaphor a bit more by giving our boat the consciousness of a kid as well… what are the more abstract impacts of not using a common rowing (parenting) strategy?
Judging is a natural and normal activity for us social humans… we use judgements as a way of isolating and sharing our own belief systems so as to find commonality with people that we are in relationships with.
When we judge someone else’s parenting with our partner (or other family members) we are kinda saying, “Hey I don’t (or do) want to do that with our kids… do you agree?”
These conversations must happen in some form in order to collaborate around a set game plan for intervening with the children.
But what is the impact of having these conversations in front of the kids? or worse yet, what is the impact of completely disregarding the parenting directions of your partner in front of the children?
If we are going to use the rowboat again we will end up with two consequence.
the concrete consequence is that the boat will not travel in a useful direction.
the abstract consequences are that the boat: will not know which rower to trust, will not have hope or security that the rowers can successfully offer guidance, and the boat may be encouraged to believe that it doesn’t have to listen to or take influence from one (or both) of the rowers.
When the rowers can’t collaborate in using a consistent methodology the boat is lost in a unpredictable anxiety provoking ocean of chaos… in such instances the child is very likely to become emotionally overwhelmed and will probably engage in ‘difficult’ behaviors”
So what is the solution?
Unite around a common rowing strategy… and if you think that you and your partner can advance towards a better rowing strategy, then have an open-minded conversation without the kids present.
just remember – With two kind and well intentioned adults it is better to row the boat with the same (though less effective) rowing style than to row the boat with two different rowing styles.
Doing so models to your children the importance of kindness, open-mindedness, collaboration, the ability to take positive influence, respect and love… and these things can be more beneficial than rowing strategies.