Invalidating Communication | What not to do when offering emotional support

For this post, I will list the most common disruptive communication mechanisms/patterns that people use when receiving another person’s emotions. People come into my office all the time asking for assistance with communication, loneliness, and lacking connection. In other posts I have described what ‘to do’ when your goals are to be compassionately empathetic – for this post, I will use the opposite strategy and highlight all the ‘don’t do’s’
It is a natural part of the human condition to have emotional responses to our environment – and it is very important for us to receive acknowledgment and validation from our selves and from important relationships when we are brave enough to share our vulnerabilities. You can not avoid having emotions… and acknowledgment from your self and from others is the most effective way to 1.)reduce the intensity of the emotion and 2.) ensure that you don’t engage in automatic and unconscious behaviors in response to the emotion. So, almost ironically, the best way to ‘control’ your emotions is to: attend to them, observe them with curiosity, validate them, and accept them.
to be clear – it is not that it is always wrong or bad to try and ‘fix’ things, it is just best if the person’s emotions are acknowledged and ‘seen’ before a solution or constructive feedback is offered.
 

Here are the most common ways people (generally unintentionally) invalidate other peoples’ emotions

 
Minimalization – when an emotion is said to ‘not be that bad’.
example
Speaker: “I’m just having a hard time getting over my last break-up”
listener: “well at least you still have your friends.”
 
Patronizing and belittling – When the listener suggests that the emotion occurred because of a character trait deficiency
example
Speaker: “I am so so so stressed out at work… my boss is having us work overtime without validating what we are doing already!”
listener:  “I used to get stressed till I started meditating – you should meditate” or “ya I’ve noticed that you have always had a problem with boundaries.”
 
Counter critiquing – When the listener responds to feedback with tangential feedback of their own (and yes, it is always tangential).
example
Speaker: “I’ve been really feeling stretched thin lately with the kids – would you try and help keep the kitchen a bit cleaner?”
listener: “well you are the one who never makes the bed!”
 
Contempt – When the listener responds with sarcasm or other forms of passive disrespect.
example
Speaker: “Honey I could really use a night out without the kids – I’m feeling disconnected”
listener: Listener rolls their eyes and says sarcastically “ya and I’m sure we are going to make it all the way through dinner without you bringing them up.”
 
Denial – When the listener denies that the emotionally significant experience happened
example
Speaker: “I’m feeling overwhelmed that I never got the chance to tell my dad how much he hurt me with his alcoholism”
listener: “Your dad drank? Seemed to me he was just doing what everyone else was doing at that time.”
 
Avoidance – When the listener pivots the conversation away from an emotionally significant subject.
example
Speaker: “I really want to be closer to you but I feel like we need to talk about what happened when you visited last summer ”
listener: “Ya, all families have normal stuff like that – hey, did you hear about what the president tweeted yesterday?”
 
Reframing – When the listener offers a different interpretation of an experience (this is disruptive when this is done before the emotion is acknowledged)
example
Speaker: “I felt as though I didn’t get any attention from my dad growing up – he always put his career in front of me”
listener: “Oh, well I think that he was doing his career for you and your siblings.”
 
Defensive – When the listener disputes the validity of the speakers’ experience.
example
Speaker: “Honey it really hurt my feelings when you forgot my birthday until 10 pm last night”
listener: “we all forget things.” or “I feel like you should be more understanding – work has been impossible.” or “you shouldn’t feel that way because ____________” or “yes but ______________”
 
Stonewalling – When the Listener gives no sign that they received any information from the speaker.
example
Speaker: “I’m really worried about our son – he seems super sad lately.”
listener: “that’s great honey – will you get me a soda?” or the listener continues watching tv without acknowledging that anything was spoken.
 
Teaching – offering a practical ‘fix’ when the listener simply wants to be heard
example
Speaker: “I’m totally overwhelmed at work – I feel like my boss has no idea what my job description is and he is constantly assigning unrealistic deadlines”
listener: “Yes – when this happens to me I _______________.” or “have you tried ________________” or “you should _________________”
 
Repressing – When the emotions being received is too significant for the listener – so they stuff it down – out of their consciousness.”
example
Speaker: “I still have a difficult time being in hospitals after what we went through with our daughter”
listener: “oh – I had forgotten about that – why would you choose to remember that?”
 
Optimism – When the listener offers an optimistic viewpoint before the person’s emotions have been acknowledged
example
Speaker: “I’m having a hard time dealing with life as a single parent”
listener: “Oh well that Kardashian is a single parent and look how great her life is.” or, ” I think that your son is lucky to have just you around – it’s for the best!”
 
Victimization – when the listener gets so overwhelmed by the emotional content that they steal the attention to themselves
example
Speaker: “I want to spend more time with you like we did when we first met – I wanna bring the fun back into our relationship!”
listener: “How can you say this to me now! you know everything that I have been going through at work – have you no compassion for me?”
 
Catastrophising – when the listener exaggerated the speaker’s emotion with the result that the speaker feels misunderstood
example
Speaker: “Things have been slow at work lately – I’me feeling understimulated.”
listener: “I get that you are super depressed honey – you can quit your job – I want us to be happy – I want this relationship to work!”
 
Playing the “Devil’s advocate’ – When you offer the counter position to engage a person in a debate when they are simply looking to be heard.
example
Speaker: “I’m feeling hopeless that we are ever going to get out of student loan debt”
listener: “you know it is the education related to that debt which increased our annual income by 30% – that debt is arguably why we are in a better financial situation ”
 
Blaming – When you suggest that the uncomfortable emotion that is being shared is the speaker’s fault.
example
Speaker: “I am really concerned and scared about your alcohol intake these days – you seem to get more and more aggressive when you drink.”
listener: “I wouldn’t drink so much if you weren’t always on my case!” or “you being scared is your problem – you need to learn how to manage your emotions better.”