Is the problem delegating the list? or is the list itself the problem?
We live in a time that is simultaneously impacted by entitlement/laziness/compulsively seeking comfort and radically overactive/anxious thought patterns. It can be difficult in creating goals in couples counseling when the two partners perceive the root problem to be different. And we arrive at the metaphorical question – ‘Is the problem the list and all the activities and dynamics required to complete the said list?… or… Is the problem that the mind has become addicted to creating lists?’
This is a very important distinction as the solutions for one goal often will have little to no impact on the other goal.
If a mind is addicted to lists – or addicted to the process of creating and resolving problems, then no amount of delegation or strategy is going to help the couple to find relief; the mind will simply create an infinite and therefore insurmountable amount of ‘problems’ to fix (ex. the list can grow from vacuuming the living room from once a week to 7 times a day, or from signing your kid up for camp to scheduling out every waking second of their summer). This phenomenon generally creates a relationship where one partner (the lister) is hyper-burned out, feels unsupported and misunderstood, lonely, and anxious – while the other partner is feeling blamed, sometimes guilty – sometimes infuriated, lonely, and hopeless.
On the other hand, there are many instances in which tasks (lists) need to be completed in order to maintain an adequate level of well being (we must get food to eat food, we must sign up for school for the kids to go to school, we must earn money to spend money, etc.) In many dynamics, the couple does not have a sound strategy for completing tasks (overlap in responsibility, lack of clarity surrounding responsibilities, tasks assigned arbitrarily as opposed to based on strengths and weaknesses, inability to prioritise tasks, and a focus on tasks that are not truly important at the expense of more important tasks, etc). Additionally, In many dynamics, the delegation of tasks in far from equal from a time, physical energy, mental energy, and emotional energy perspective. This phenomenon often creates a dynamic where one partner is burnt out and resentful of their partner, while the other partner is resentful that their partner is resentful.
I have noticed that this issue exists in all relationships to some extent, but is often exacerbated in the early child-rearing years. My hypothesis would be that this issue is in many ways related to social realities namely: geographic isolation from family and other support systems, a culture of workaholism, a culture addicted to future thinking, and the eradication of the middle class. These Social issues have created a reality in which we are forced to operate well beyond our capacity when kids are born (both parents already working 50 plus hour a week jobs, and then being given the full-time job of raising children – and the full-time job of maintaining a household (which becomes a full-time job due do what children do to households… and market trips… and extra-curricular… and etc 😉 ) Why is this so hard for American’s in particular? we generally have an existential operating system which receives very little fulfillment from completing tasks related to basic survival or simple pragmatics(the list), and are more likely to feel a sense of purpose when we are engaged in a goal or activity which has something to do with articulating our unique self – in defining our identity… our spiritual purpose etc. This creates a dynamic where our lists are both impossible to satisfy and are in direct conflict with our ability to feel purposeful and therefor joyous.
uh – oh
the result pushes us towards two different beliefs
“the list is impossible – I’m gonna deny, repress or avoid the existence of the list and not attend to it.” – therefor my partner is going to have to do everything… while I grow a resentment that my partner never has time for me.
or
“I am going to do this list perfectly and completing list items are going to become my purpose – I believe (although I sometimes know it’s not true) that if I can just perfect this list then I will one day be happy… Also if my partner were to only become equally obsessed with the list, then we would both be happy!” – Therefore I will not spend any energy on anything that could actually make me feel happy or purposeful until the list is done … but the list won’t ever be done.
So people come into couples counseling with either: Two people addicted to lists, One person addicted to lists and one person who is not fulfilling their responsibilities, Two people that have given up on responsibilities, Or one person with a balanced relationship to lists and responsibilities and one with list addiction or lack of responsibility.
The reason this makes goals difficult in therapy is that the ‘List addicts’ tend to believe the solution is for their partner to become a list addict, and the ‘responsibility avoiders’ tend to believe that the solution is for their partner to avoid responsibility.
List addicts often need an intervention that helps with: Attention, Mindfulness, clearly articulated values and priorities, regulation, vulnerability, and self-care.
Responsibility Avoiders often need an intervention that helps with: Motivation, empathy, systemic understanding, strategy, perceptions of systemic (spousal – parental, etc.) needs, hope, and pragmatics.
This leaves the therapist in an interesting position – as often the goals that would be most helpful to the system are not the goals that the system is asking to work on…