Assisting people with improved diabetes management behaviors has been a specialty of mine in my psychotherapy practice since 2009. My Wife has a been a senior research coordinator at the Barbara Davis Center for Childhood Diabetes in Denver since 2006, and through bonding with her passion to assist in this area, I have developed my own modes […]
Category Archives: Family
Double Binded Communication
Often we send ‘mixed messages’ to people. It can be a source of dis-ease in a relationship when a partner or loved one is giving you two opposing messages at the same time. This creates a double-bind as there is not an effective way to respond correctly to the communication. Most commonly the opposing messages are […]
Fear, Competence, Values and Anger in Parenting Rambunctious Children
This post will investigate how our perceived parenting competence impacts our fear and resulting emotional and behavioral reactions. We will focus on how fear can lead us into parenting interventions that are not consistent with our parenting values. I was offering a parenting coaching intervention in a couples context the other week and I arrived […]
Parenting and Rowboats
There is more than one way to skin a cat they say… and there is more than one way to row a boat, but if there are two people rowing that boat you better find a common way. and so it is with parenting, guiding, directing, and mentoring our young ones. family systems can and […]
Respecting Elders in a Society of Rugged Individualism
My intention is to stir up a conversation as to a possible answer to why there seems to be a decreasing degree of ‘respecting your elders’ in the United Stated and other individual focused cultures (as opposed to collectivist cultures).
Parenting fundamentals – The basics for co-parenting your children
Quick summary: I will very briefly outline what I have found to be the most common ideas shared in the immense amount of parenting literature out there. I will give you ideas to think about as you work with your partner to create a supportive environment for your children.
Forming Secure Attachments – Handout for parents and caregivers
Handout concerning helping a child to form a secure attachment – an alternative to behavioral intervention and other parenting strategies that might not have worked for your child
Parenting questions for couples – Questionnaire to increase synergy, collaboration, empathy, and overall understanding for couples who are co-parenting a child.
The intention of this exercise is to foster an open dialog surrounding the different parenting philosophies and different desires/dreams that each individual has for their children. As a person gains a greater insight into their partner’s philosophies along with a greater understanding or the emotional significance of those philosophies, they become better able to meet their partner’s parental and spousal, and individual needs.
Play therapy explained | How to use play therapy | Attuning to your child | how and why it works
Quick Summary: Play therapy is an effective and developmentally accommodating way for a child to communicate emotional or otherwise ‘complex’ information to an adult. A child will often tell you about what they are currently feeling or thinking about with their toys or drawing etc… If an adult can pay attention to the story line or scenario that the child is enacting with their toys (puppets, action figures, dolls, cars etc) the adult can gain an understanding of something that the child is unable to communicate with verbal language (be careful not to over analyze; often children are simply re-enacting something they saw on a TV show etc.) When a child feels as though an adult can understand them they feel secure and validated in who they are… they also feel secure that the adult can meet their basic needs and their attachment needs. The security which arises from empathy and understanding promotes healthy relational, emotional, cognitive and physical growth for humans of all ages.
Empathy building exercise – learning to be empathetic – increasing emotional understanding
Quick summary: In difficult times often we really want someone to ‘just be there for us’ and to ‘show compassion and understanding for what we are dealing with’ as opposed to offering pragmatic solutions or taking initiative to ‘fix it.’ In short people very often simply want empathy and they can feel worse, alone, or misunderstood if their confidant goes into problem solving mode. In this post I will give you a methodology as to how to offer empathy to a person. The process might not feel genuine at first, but by understanding and utilizing this technique you will eventually grow a more sincere empathetic ability.
Who are you? How to stop conforming to expectations and to start presenting the self you would like to present
Quick summary: Most people both consciously and unconsciously and both intentionally and unintentionally present themselves with different characteristics, beliefs, opinions, dispositions, emotionality, and behaviors etc in different settings. Who is the real you? How are different settings encouraging you to present your self in a certain way? If you closely examine the expectations of your different settings you can gain a degree of insight into why you act, think, and emote differently in different situations. For some, with insight comes a degree of freedom… freedom to present your self the way you wish to, as opposed to offering the self which your setting encourages you to be. Sometimes your setting encourages you to be the self which you would like to be… sometimes you feel uncomfortable with the self that you present… by examining your many selves and the different expectations of your different setting you can gain more control of the self you present in different situations.
Strength Based Therapy – what it means
“most people are very good at articulating their problems and their faults… they are seeking my help to acknowledge and to understand their strengths and potential solutions… it is my job to ensure that the therapy session balances problems with solutions and perceived faults with perceived strengths.”
What is Love? How do I know if I am in love or have experienced love? Love is selflessness and felt security… love is also a physical and emotional feeling
Quick summary: The reason that love is so difficult to define has much to do with the fact that the word “love” means far too many things in the English language. I will define the three most common definitions of love. Love is a euphoric to terrifying rollercoaster ride of emotions, love is a label for something we enjoy and would like to experience with great frequency, and love is when a relationship offers felt security, deep attachment, selflessness, and a place to freely experience authenticity (the real you… the you that is allowed to be vulnerable, confident and honest).
Structural family therapy summary
Quick Summary: I am providing a summary of Structural Family therapy. I will define all relevant terms and offer an explanation as to what structural therapy might typically look like.
Tips for getting your Attachment needs met in your adult relationships
meeting the needs of your partner is a great way of meeting your own needs… having your partner meeting your needs is a great way for them to meet their own needs… meeting your own needs is a great way to make yourself more able to meet the needs of others… meeting the needs of a relationship meets individual and collective needs at the same time…when the needs of a group and the individuals that make up that group are met, all people involved tend to feel happier and healthier.
Argumentative? Dichotomies in conversations lead to arguments not solutions
Quick summary – Couples and politicians alike commonly experience unnecessary unpleasant emotional reactions and a failure to reach a resolution do to the use of false dichotomies in conversation. Dichotomous thinking is what people commonly refer to as “either or thinking” or “black and white thinking” – basically people oversimplify issues so as to believe that their view point is 100% indisputably right and the other view point is 100% indisputably wrong. Solutions and more agreeable conversations simply necessitate that an adult takes into consideration that almost nothing is “black and white”… most everything is in the “grey area.” This would mean that adults would enter into conversations involving different viewpoints with the understanding that both people are both right and wrong at the same time… If you do not have an ability to do this with certain subjects (religion, politics, a vocational technique etc) then it would be best for you to hold an awareness of your inability to converse on such a subject without promoting an argument. It is hard for me to understand how a politician in a democracy can adequately fulfill their job description if they hold tightly to false dichotomies… in my opinion this is why solutions are becoming less common in our current government – we are unintentionally promoting dichotomous thinkers. This ability to hold security and compassion in the face of coexisting opposites is what has been historically described as Wisdom.
Empathy – nature and nurture
Quick summary: Empathy comes from nature and from nurture… from perceived positive and negative experiences. Empathy is something which is advantageous to the social human animal… there are many ways of augmenting this ability.
Love is something we experience with our emotions
This sounds very obvious – what is less understood is that many people impact their ability to love by using logic and other defenses to guard themselves from the suffering that love can bring. As a couples therapist I can suggest that when you guard yourself from being emotionally impacted from your partner, you often unintentionally make your partner less important to you… it seems that it is virtually impossible to love someone if you have successfully protected yourself from being emotionally responsive to your partner… in making your emotions concerning an your partner ‘unimportant’ you in turn make your partner ‘unimportant’. There are many different ways to interact with our environment… in different time periods and in different cultures we find that one interaction or organizational tool is used with greater frequency and value than another tool (hearing, vision, logic, being mindful, and using emotion etc are examples of ‘interaction or organizational tools’). Currently logic seems to be in favor though I am both excited and hopeful that other tools seem to be gaining popularity. The point of all this is simple – with the tendency for our culture to favor the use of logic many people are finding themselves falling out of love with their partners. Often this is do to an individual’s conscious or unconscious intention to protect themselves from the vulnerabilities which are inherent in being emotionally available… though such a method is useful in certain professional functions and though it is indeed a safeguard against certain types of suffering, the method creates a problem itself… using logic to trump emotions seems to disable some of your ability to love… an inability to love often creates a suffering which can neither be fully understood nor resolved by logic… perhaps the explanation for this is simple… you don’t hear with your eyes, you don’t see with your mouth, and you don’t experience love with your logic…so again… Love is something we experience with our emotions.
Past blame or “whose fault it is” and on to solutions
Quick summary: whose fault is it? This question is a big one from governmental to family politics. How does assigning fault help in the solution? The most common argument is that “if people know that they were wrong than they will not make the same choice again in the future.” the problem with this logic arrives when the ‘fault’ was either an accident or the fault was do to probability not landing in a person’s favor. To be more specific, accidents happen and life is not predictable – random things occur. Though it is important to find fault in select incidences (ex. who was the criminal in this case), the act of assigning fault simply delays the acquisition of a solution in many cases. What is the point? – perhaps solutions are more important than assigning blame, and even in those instances were fault needs to be assigned to support justice we should not loose site of creating solutions.
Harmful Interaction Patterns – which do you do and what can help?
Quick summary – Dr. John Gottman has done extensive research on the variables which affect a stable marriage (or committed relationship). He is able to predict with just over 90% accuracy if a couple will eventually divorce after as little as 5 minutes of observation. He isolated four interaction patterns (he calls them the 4 horsemen) which are potentially devastating to a relationship. The interaction patterns to work on are contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. Please note that we all engage in these interaction patterns… the harm is related to frequency, degree and the absence of reparation strategies and a firm relational foundation. You might not be aware that you are using any of these patterns… couples therapy can help increase your awareness of what interaction you tend to utilize (and why) and what you can do to improve the interactions in your relationship.