Quick summary: When I say ‘too close’ I mean to say that there are some relational bonds which are so intertwined that the individuals in the relationship have a difficult time deciphering what is their ‘stuff’ and what is their partner’s or other person’s ‘stuff’. One of the most common aspects of an enmeshed (too close – completely intertwined – no significant boundary between the individuals) relationship is the inability to avoid mirroring or taking on the emotional disposition (mood) of the other person. In such a relationship the individual will empathically ‘feel’ the emotions of the other person and will automatically feel the same way or a set way (if one person gets embarrassed the other will feel embarrassed as well). When a relationship is enmeshed the individuals can also tend to have a limited ability to accept that the other person can hold a differing subjective perception or opinion than themselves (this will be cover in another blog – today’s topic is emotional transfer). Increasing self-awareness while creating an awareness of the existence of enmeshment in the relationship are the first steps towards reducing the phenomenon.
Category Archives: Family
Timeouts for adults – conflict resolution and avoidance strategies
Quick summary: Timeouts are not just for children – adults should use them at times as well… the difference being that you should give yourself a timeout, and not your partner (if you tell your partner to go take a timeout you are likely in for a bit of conflict). There are many different things that affect our emotional disposition (our mood)… and there are some emotional states which are not best suited for certain interactions. It is helpful in a relationship if a partners can monitor their feelings and make the appropriate choice to take some space (a ‘timeout’) if they are sensing that they will not being able to engage an interaction with their partner in a constructive, honest or reasonable way. Often we present anger when we have not had the time to understand our emotions for ourselves… if you look back on some of your experiences of anger you will probably find that the underlying emotion (the emotion who truly desired to express) was a different feeling – sadness, embarrassment, confusion etc.
Genograms – reducing blame and finding solutions in your family tree
Quick summary – When visiting certain therapists (trained in family therapy) you might have the opportunity to do a genogram to shed some light on some of the themes or patterns in your multi-generational family – your family tree. A genogram typically lists 3 to 4 generations of your family (ex. your children, their siblings and their cousins; you, your siblings and your cousins; your parents and their sibling) and uses a combination of shapes and lines to visually symbolize how all the people are connected. A Genogram can be used for many different purposes – I enjoy helping clients to look for commonality to reduce self-blame and to look for instance in which another family member resolved an issue similar to the client’s presenting concern.
Talking with Teens– Try using authentic open-minded empathetic curiosity.
Quick Summary: For a teenager, the brain development is at a stage where they are generally dichotomous thinkers (black and white thinking – you are right or you are wrong – no middle ground). The thinking patterns of this developmental stage can make teens difficult to converse with when there is a disagreement. I find four interaction strategies to be of paramount importance in such an instance. I use an authenticity, open-mindedness, empathy, and curiosity – With sincerity, I ask clarifying question that have the sole intention of better understanding the teen’s individual opinion and feelings; at the same time I avoid trying to get the teen to arrive at a universal ‘truth’.
The interdependence of dependence and independence
Quick summery – The interdependence of dependence and independence – by allowing yourself to depend on other people for their assistance, you free yourself to be more independent in those aspects of your life in which independence is more suitable and enjoyable.