Quick summary: Most people both consciously and unconsciously and both intentionally and unintentionally present themselves with different characteristics, beliefs, opinions, dispositions, emotionality, and behaviors etc in different settings. Who is the real you? How are different settings encouraging you to present your self in a certain way? If you closely examine the expectations of your different settings you can gain a degree of insight into why you act, think, and emote differently in different situations. For some, with insight comes a degree of freedom… freedom to present your self the way you wish to, as opposed to offering the self which your setting encourages you to be. Sometimes your setting encourages you to be the self which you would like to be… sometimes you feel uncomfortable with the self that you present… by examining your many selves and the different expectations of your different setting you can gain more control of the self you present in different situations.
Category Archives: Individual Growth
Problems sleeping? 10 Tips to help you sleep
Quick summary: I am giving you 10 tips that will lead you to create and maintain a healthy sleep cycle. Sleep is vital for optimal health… you owe it to yourself to dedicate yourself to a good night of sleep. If you can stay dedicated you should be able to create a stable sleep cycle with these 10 tips in just under a month with improvements surfacing in about 10 days. This is not solely based on the sleep studies that are widely circulated… this worked for me when nothing else did. Change often requires a degree of sacrifice… try this for a month and then do a cost benefit analysis… I would suggest that the benefits will greatly surpass your expectations.
Understanding how your Values impact the choices that you make
In this context I will use the word ‘values’ as having the following definition – a ‘value’ is an emotional state or character attribute that you desire to live within or to be defined by; If you value feeling in control you will make behavioral choices that you believe will lead you to acquiring the relevant emotional disposition… if you value being defined as independent you will make decisions that you believe will assist you in displaying that attribute. By understanding our values we can get a better understanding of what is driving us to engage in certain behavioral patterns. As we gain a greater understanding of our values we can free ourselves to either change an ‘outdated’ or otherwise unwanted value, or we can come up with new behaviors that will help us to arrive at the desired value with fewer consequences. Often times we find that we are stuck in a pattern of behaviors that are not helping us to achieve a desired value.
Creating Motivation for the Change Process – Why creating a mental image of the ‘new you’ works
Quick summary: I am going to explain a theory as to why visualizing the ‘changed’ or ‘new’ you can have a positive impact on your motivation and therefore a positive impact on your ability to meet your goals. Pop psychology and positive psychology have been telling the public to ‘think positive” and to “tell the world what you want instead of what you do not want” for years. The strategy can be effective for some, but it seems that the concepts have been so oversold that skepticism has arrived. I am going to offer a very simple visualization technique with a new reason as to why I believe this technique is effective (I have been using this technique for myself quite a lot lately with awesome results). Visualizing yourself as having achieved your goal can give you a positive feeling that may counter the impact of the negative feelings you consciously or unconsciously associate with the process of changing.
Why might we be misinformed about human sexuality?
Quick summary: Why might we be misinformed about human sexuality? I will isolate some themes to help people to understand why our at times distorted view of sexuality is actually quite understandable given the circumstances.
Changing unhelpful beliefs – "If ____________ then I will be happy"
Quick summary: there is a common belief that many of us hold which is based on what I will call the “if – then -” philosophy. Many of us believe that happiness is something to be found in the future. In order to reach this goal of happiness (or relaxation or whatever the emotional goal might be) we create a belief system which quantifies what we need in order to be happy. We tell our selves “If __________ (the blank is an occurrence that has not happened yet) then I will be __________ (the blank is whatever the emotional goal is. Example: at peace, relaxed, happy, ready, confident etc). The problem that arises is that this belief is rarely ever true, and even when it hold a degree of truth we rarely pause long enough to actually enjoy the positivity which was to be acquired at meeting the goal. The point that I am trying to make is that many of us have reached the goals that we set countless times, and yet we still find the emotional reward that was to accompany that goal to be elusive. I am not suggesting to stop setting goals, instead I am suggesting for you to allow yourself gratitude for what you already have and for what you have already accomplished. Happiness is something that you innately and infinitely possess sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to stop your never-ending wants so that you can enjoy the happiness and wonder of this very moment.
Reducing suffering – How trying to avoid or control suffering often increases suffering – When to act and when to accept without action
I will speak most on the suffering which we cause for ourselves when we distract, avoid, overwork, and over think with the good intentioned yet futile goal of attempting to control chaos, to create predictability, or to force reality into looking like our expectations.
Guided Visualization for Emotional Resiliency – comforting a younger you
Quick summary: I will offer a visualization technique that allows for a person to comfort their self so as to reach a resolution for a strong emotion or a ruminating thought that is being carried. Often we carry an emotional reactivity to certain stimuli that is based in part on an unresolved issue that happened earlier in our life. Very often we have the skills, strengths, awareness, or control now that would have helped us to better navigate a difficulty that we experienced in the past. This technique allows for you to imagine your younger self and to help that self towards recovery with the advantageous traits you now embody.
Argumentative? Dichotomies in conversations lead to arguments not solutions
Quick summary – Couples and politicians alike commonly experience unnecessary unpleasant emotional reactions and a failure to reach a resolution do to the use of false dichotomies in conversation. Dichotomous thinking is what people commonly refer to as “either or thinking” or “black and white thinking” – basically people oversimplify issues so as to believe that their view point is 100% indisputably right and the other view point is 100% indisputably wrong. Solutions and more agreeable conversations simply necessitate that an adult takes into consideration that almost nothing is “black and white”… most everything is in the “grey area.” This would mean that adults would enter into conversations involving different viewpoints with the understanding that both people are both right and wrong at the same time… If you do not have an ability to do this with certain subjects (religion, politics, a vocational technique etc) then it would be best for you to hold an awareness of your inability to converse on such a subject without promoting an argument. It is hard for me to understand how a politician in a democracy can adequately fulfill their job description if they hold tightly to false dichotomies… in my opinion this is why solutions are becoming less common in our current government – we are unintentionally promoting dichotomous thinkers. This ability to hold security and compassion in the face of coexisting opposites is what has been historically described as Wisdom.
Does being drunk make you uninhibited? | alcohol, authenticity and primal instinct
Quick summary: Alcohol comes up quite a bit in counseling as most people who have drunk until intoxication have a story about how a drunken occurrence impacted a relationship. Clients have noticed that there is somewhat of a correlation between being drunk and having affairs… the question then naturally arises, “Does being drunk make you uninhibited?… Upon clarification they might say, “Does being drunk give people the freedom to engage in behaviors that their authentic self has always wanted to engage in?” When asked this question point blank I answered, “I don’t think so, it seems to me that being drunk simply makes people more primal… they become less inhibited and arguably less moral, ethical and logical in attaining their most basic bodily needs. Basically, being drunk generally encourages people to procreate with less selectivity… to ruthlessly obtain and eat high calorie foods… to aggressively assert dominance over what they would define as territory…to urinate without regards to social norms… and to sleep in less than ideal settings.”
Authentic Self – Are you the work you or the outside of work you?
Perhaps to increase your happiness in all areas of your life it is best to be as authentic or honest as possible. We suffer when we resist a part of ourselves. To have your ideal vocational environment perhaps it is best to find a place where you can displays all sides of yourself… ultimately this should be to the benefit to all those you serve.
Allowing and Believing
Quick summary: Lately I have noticed that not all obstacles are nearly as insurmountable as I had previously thought… I am not intending to suggest that environmental roadblocks do not exist… instead I am suggesting that perhaps the greatest wall keeping us from our ambitions, life paths, meaning, desires etc are related to an inability to allow. The question I am posing today is simply this – what would come to be in your life if you allowed yourself to try and what would come to be in your life if you allowed yourself to be different from the masses. In order to allow you must believe… not in the certainty of the future… but in yourself in the moment.
Courage to use your Strength to attend to your Fear
Quick summary: I am offering a discussion on the difference between Strength and Courage. My hope is that by helping people to see what courage is… they may be more likely to use that courage to express the potential of their authentic self. Courage is willingly engaging yourself in something that you view as very difficult… something that requires emotional strength… something that on the surface would seem to be easier to avoid, repress, or defend against (to rigidly close your mind too). It takes strength to be courageous and is takes strength to suppress your courage. Define what is ‘courageous’ for yourself… your answer may shed light on what you could do to bring your self into balance.
Rogerian (or Person Centered) therapy summary
Rogers maintains that if a therapist offers a setting in which he/she is genuine, empathetic and can offer unconditional positive regard to the client, then the client will naturally grow into an effective, affectionate, empathetic, accepting, self-aware, secure and happy person.
Is it ‘cheesy’ to be positive?
I have been noticing lately in both professional and personal settings that there seems to be a somewhat consistent belief in the US culture that being positive is cheesy, self-righteous, or otherwise a negative process (ironic). Whether you are a modernist or a postmodernist (or something else) most people agree that our thoughts and beliefs have a significant impact on our quality of life. How then can we increase our quality of life if having positive beliefs and using techniques to increase positive beliefs is ‘cheesy’? Many of us have accepted a belief system which does not allow us to give ourselves positive compliments for the things that we do right or well… at the same time many of us are perfectly comfortable about pointing out flaws or other negative observations about ourselves. Perhaps you might choose to no longer carry this belief about positivity and negativity. Perhaps you never wanted to believe that being positive was “cheesy.” How would your quality of life be affected if you allowed more positive beliefs and thoughts into your reality?
Ignorance is Bliss?
Quick summary – Applying a ‘lack of knowledge or beliefs’ onto your perceptions so as to intentionally use ‘ignorance’ as a means of attaining ‘bliss’. ‘Ignorance is Bliss’ is a very common saying that is interpreted many different ways. I intend to offer one explanation as to why ‘ignorance’ can lead to bliss… I will suggest that ‘ignorance’ is something that we can attain intentionally… if we let ignorance guide our perception we can find more enjoyment or ‘bliss’ in life. When we project knowledge onto our perceptions we unintentionally draw automatic conclusions about our environment… often these automatic conclusions, thoughts, emotions, beliefs etc bring us to a place of suffering or at least to a place of reduced curiosity, excitement, openness and interest. If you have nothing to project onto your perceptions (no beliefs, no historical relevancies, and no facts) then every moment is novel and has the potential of bringing you bliss. This bliss is in contrast to the boredom or anger etc which arrives when we label a perception as ‘understood’.
Postmodernism – making an ‘out there’ philosophy useful
Quick summary – By allowing yourself to investigate how your relationships, actions and emotions are governed by your perceptions you may find that by offering yourself a freedom of perception you can change the way in which you are impacted by your reality. – By using open-mindedness and an adaptability in relation to your beliefs and ways of perceiving, you free yourself from patterns of seemingly automatic reaction. Postmodernism suggests that reality does not exist… it is a construct of your belief system… a radical postmodernist would say that if you believed that you could walk through a wall, then you could walk through a wall… perhaps this is not particularly helpful to the masses, but what if we took this down a notch… what if you allowed yourself the freedom to perceive a situation differently so as to reduce your discomfort related to the subject? What would be the benefits of letting go of some of your deterministic thinking (‘when this happens I must feel this’ ‘If I did that I would be bad’ ‘I should_______ because _______)? Sometimes we trap ourselves in suffering by rigidly holding on to what we label to be objectivity… postmodernism suggests that objectivity does not exist – there are not facts. Perhaps if we took a small piece from postmodernist thinking we could all say that “I don’t have to feel or behave in a set way… my reactions do not have to be predetermined… I have a consciousness which is evolved enough to allow me to live without being controlled by my environment” – I can choose to perceive or believe my reality to be different. Embracing your subjectivity is an emancipation from atomization.
Chaos is the result of resisting what is
Quick summary: what is, is simply what is until we try and capture what is with structure… as we move forward and find no structure to apply to what is then we resist our acceptance of this dilemma and by doing so create the chaos itself… in other words chaos does not exist without resistance… without judgment, without a need to define, without a need to make meaning or to organize, chaos simply is the same as what is. Chaos generally has an effect on the mind and the body… chaos generally arrives with an emotional vulnerability, with stress, with explosiveness, with confusion, with volatility, or perhaps with anxiety. Without resisting what is you can free yourself from some unnecessary stress. A good example of this is found in the resistance of fear or sadness… Anger is exceptionally common among humans and anger carries with it its’ fare share of baggage… much anger would be avoided if we allowed ourselves to experience our fear and sadness in the moment (or after – it’s not too late)… sometimes sadness or fear is what is… anger is often resistance… anger is generally chaos.
Selfishness is also Selfless
Quick summary: If you allow yourself selfishness you can increase the effectiveness of your selfless intentions. There are many different types of people and people are impacted by the drives of selflessness and selfishness in differing ways and by differing degrees. The message here is most suited for the people who act with intended selflessness […]
Motivation v.s. Dedication … Can dedication be created?
Quick summary: My coach at Easton Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in Boulder Colorado chose to talk about the difference between motivation and dedication to illustrate an important point that he arrived at while contemplating the journey in becoming a black belt. I believe he had two intentions – one was to inspire and the other was to assist in the students by offering them a glimpse of reality (the reality being that in a process which takes years and is exceptionally difficult, many if not most people will fail to reach their initial goal). The basic concept is that nothing good comes without effort, and motivation does not ensure the same longevity of that effort as dedication can provide. Motivation is fleeting and is often related to the positive impulses of a finite time period… because of the inherent finite nature of motivation, motivation alone will not produce the effort needed to achieve a long-term goal. Dedication is an internal contract which attempts to guarantee that effort or work will continue with regularity even when motivation is lacking or when apathy or hopelessness are present (this is the definition in my own mind… the actual original definition of dedication suggests that it is an external process – almost every definition I could find had to do with faith or religion – I believe that both I and my couch are talking more of an unrelenting commitment to an internal goal or intention.) This point is very accessible when related to exercise – it is unreasonable to assume that you will have motivation to train or workout every day that is needed for you to meet your individual goals – sometimes you’ll be tired, lazy, apathetic… it could be too cold, too hot, too rainy etc. Those who succeed will need to be dedicated to follow through even when they have zero motivation. Is dedication a choice that all people have equal access to? If dedication was a learned behavior that could be grown in apparently un-dedicated people what effect would this have on our culture?