Thoughts from a Therapist

Category: Relationship Tips

The ‘relationship’ category contains posts concerning how we interact with others.

  • Ineffective Solution Strategies – without a simplified problem, a solution is unlikely

    Quick summary – In this post I will be talking about deconstructing (specifying and simplifying) a problem to more manageable variables. Often times the problem is either to big to be adequately addressed by one simple solution (ex. – to solve pollution lets outlaw gasoline) or the proposed solution neglects to address other related problems (often the proposed solution is to remove someone else’s solution without offering a replacement solution for the more fundamental problem). Successful solution acquisition strategies are something that I have worked very hard on (I have developed a solution engine) – I will start by simply explaining how to identify what I will call the “foundational problem” – or the problem that is at the source of the issue.
    Often times in a disagreement we can not even start to look for a solution as we have not truly agreed upon what the problem is – I see this all the time in couples – they believe that they are having a disagreement about the same thing only realize later that they were discussing one solution for different problems.
    –                          Example – a couple is in an argument concerning the topic of visiting their families for the holidays. One partner believes the problem to be that her partner does not want to go to her family’s house at all… meanwhile the other partner was planning on visiting both families, but believes the problem surrounds which family they will visit first. There are two problems = 1, the order of the visits – 2, if they will go at all. – They are unlikely to find a solution until they both start talking about the same concern.
    Politics has become a mess in this country because politicians are not deconstructing problems. Many Politicians are spending countless amount of our time arguing over problems that have not been properly deconstructed or simplified… the result is a national focus on polarized issues instead of a focus on resolving more fundamental problems (that we mostly all agree on); Ironically often times fixing the more fundamental problem will either directly or indirectly work to resolve the surface level problem.
    –                          Example – it seems unlikely that this country (or any large group of people) will come to an agreement concerning war. What is a variable that would reduce the occurrences of war? War often has something to do with resources. How about ‘lack of self-sufficiency” being labeled the problem instead? What about ‘lack of energy independence’? How many people in this country would disagree with a plan which promoted energy independence?
    Problem Questions – finding the broad, surface level or unspecific problem (sample questions)

    • What is the obstacle that you will have had to overcome when your desired solution is present?

     

    • What is the difficulty that you will fix when the solution is in existence?

     

    • If the problem was observable and measureable what would we observe and what would we measure?

     
    Deconstruct the Problem – making the problem as specific and ‘foundational’ as possible.

    • In order to create solutions that everyone can agree upon you must deconstruct a problem to its most simple parts.
    • If your problem was caused by anther problem than you have not deconstructed enough.
    • If what you are labeling as the ‘problem’ is currently a solution in place for another problem… then you have not deconstructed enough.
    • Deconstruction allows you to understand the issue in its entirety. Often when people attempt to ‘fix’ a surface level problem without looking at all the components of the problem… they can end up making the situation worse.
      •  Example – if someone had food poisoning and you label the problem as “throwing up” your solution might be to give that person something that reduces the symptoms of nausea. With this solution the sick person does not throw up so your solution seems successful…but… the individual needed to throw up to remove the food poisoning from their body and this ‘solution’ will make the individual even sicker. In this example if the problem had been deconstructed to “poisonous food in the stomach” instead of “nausea” then a better solution could have been implemented.

     
    Deconstruction questions

    • What are the variables that impact the problem… what are the components of the problem?

     

    • What caused the problem to exist in the first place? Was there a good intention at the source of the problem… what was the intention?

     

    • Would anybody suggest that the ‘problem’ which you are trying to fix is actually a solution to a more fundamental problem? If so, what is the ‘problem’ attempting to resolve? If some people view the ‘problem’ as a solution what are they proposing that it is fixing?

     
    The Current political solution strategy – Our current strategy is exactly the opposite of what I am proposing… If you would like to increase the harmony in your own relationships it would be helpful if you avoided the following strategy. The ineffective strategy is to –

    • Create a broad and often exaggerated problem
    • Identify one solution to address that one broad and complicated problem
    • Attack the other party’s solutions without the two parties ever specifying an agreed up on and deconstructed problem.
    • They spend the majority of their attention on refuting solutions instead of on creating solutions.
    • The primary objective is not to find a solution but rather to discredit the adversary.
    • Use emotionally charged subjects with existential, religious, and cultural themes to distract people from the fact that the solution strategy itself is fundamentally flawed.
    • Encourage dichotomous or polarized views of subjects that can in truth be deconstructed to a point of agreement. As you will find in my blog about dialectics I think that it is enormously detrimental to encourage dichotomous (black and white) thinking in adults (especially if you desire a functional democracy).

     
    I will now list some deconstructed problems. You should answer the following two questions –
     
    1.) Can the deconstructed problem be deconstructed further?
     
    2.) Do you believe that it would be easier to find an agreed upon solution to the deconstructed problem?
     
    1.) Your driving stinks – I don’t like it when you accelerate before turns
    2.) The basketball team is awful – the team has a poor turnover rating
    3.) Health Care – people are sick and injured
    4.) I have nothing to wear – it is snowing and my shoes are not waterproof
    5.) Lack of intimacy in a relationship – no time without the kids present
    6.) War – lack of energy self-sufficiency
    7.) Global warming – pollution interrupting the view of the mountains
    8.) “You never listen to me” – when I am expressing emotions you try and look for solutions instead of simply comforting me.
    9.) I don’t like that restaurant – that restaurant does not have the ability to deal with my allergies
    10.) Education – too many kids in the classroom
     
    The point is that we need to make sure that we are talking about the same subject in order to move forward… deconstructing a problem not only ensures that we are both trying to fix the same thing, it also makes it more likely that we will agree on both the problem and the related solution.
    “If deconstructing problems can increase our ability to be united and to work together around more simple solutions then we will become more empathetic and open-minded to all those people with whom we share this wonderful country.” – Will
    “Working together is a solution itself.” – Will
    There is a reason that we as humans tend to focus more on our disagreements than on our agreements… I will cover this topic in a future blog post.
     
     

  • Timeouts for adults – conflict resolution and avoidance strategies

    Quick summary: Timeouts are not just for children – adults should use them at times as well… the difference being that you should give yourself a timeout, and not your partner (if you tell your partner to go take a timeout you are likely in for a bit of conflict). There are many different things that affect our emotional disposition (our mood)… and there are some emotional states which are not best suited for certain interactions. It is helpful in a relationship if a partners can monitor their feelings and make the appropriate choice to take some space (a ‘timeout’) if they are sensing that they will not being able to engage an interaction with their partner in a constructive, honest or reasonable way. Often we present anger when we have not had the time to understand our emotions for ourselves… if you look back on some of your experiences of anger you will probably find that the underlying emotion (the emotion who truly desired to express) was a different feeling – sadness, embarrassment, confusion etc.
    “Anger is a secondary emotion” – this is a phrase that I have heard many times in the therapeutic community. The phrase is meant to illustrate how anger almost always seems to be the result of a more primary emotion – which is usually sadness and fear. Many therapists hold that anger is a way of avoiding feelings like sadness – especially in a culture in which the expression of anger is considerably more visible than other forms of emotional expression.
    Timeouts to not have the intention of giving you the time to avoid or to suppress your emotions – the timeout is for the person to get in touch with the way they are feeling before they try and express that feeling to a partner.
    Taking a timeout can give you the time to understand how you are really feeling – think of the arguments that you have had in your life with a significant other that had nothing to with that person. (Your boss was asking irritating questions all day and you come home and argue with your partner when she asks you if you want Caesar or blue cheese dressing).
    Stress, anxiety and the need to calm down before your engagement with your partner – work can ask you to function in a fashion that is ideal for completing your job, but not ideal for interacting with people in your home life. This is especially true for people in high stress jobs such the police – these jobs can require a hyper vigilance that necessitates quick decision-making skills that are not always as useful while at home. Take the time to settle down if you feel as though your engagement with someone in your household might lead to conflict.

    • Some people need a daily timeout (about 15 minutes) when they come home from work – this can be difficult for the partner at first, but once it becomes a habit it can be mutually beneficial. If those 15 minutes will enable you or your partner to interact positively, this can make all the difference.

    Some therapists suggest that your first interaction with your partner will dictate your interaction patterns for the rest of that night. 
    If you take a timeout you need to tell your partner when you will re-engage (be reasonable and empathetic) – take your walk, go on a run, go meditate, do your breathing exercises, get something to eat, or engage in a hobby, but let your partner know that when your stress reduction activity is done – you will be available. 
    The partner must respect the timeout – and don’t ask for an explanation – the person might need the time out to ‘explain’ their feelings to themselves. It is a huge gigantic, enormous, step for many people to be able to reach a point where they can notice their emotions to be bit volatile and to ask for some space – huge. This is extremely hard for many people to do (instead of allowing their anger to govern their behavior). So it is very important that a partner reinforce this progress by kindly respecting the ‘timeout’ which has been asked for.
    In a relationship you will have times when you have to have a difficult discussion – such as a conversation in which you know there is disagreement, or you know that a partner did something that saddened the other person. For these conversations to be more effective it is best to set a time when both partners will be most ready to engage. In this way you have a “timeout” until an agreed upon time – obviously that time needs to be reasonable “tomorrow at 6” is usually more reasonable then “in a couple weeks.” Be specific with the set time – at “5:30” or “in an hour” and not “later”.
    Adults will sometimes need a timeout in the middle of a disagreement – sometimes you and your partner will start the interaction and it will not go well – you notice explosive anger and your heart feels like it is going to beat out of your chest – take a timeout, tell your partner that you need to walk around the block and cool down for a minute. In such an example it is best that you do an activity that you know will reduce your stress level. 
    Sometimes the timeout is the solutions – At times partners will find that there actually was not a conflict pertaining to the two people in the relationship (bad day at work, low blood sugar, worried about a friend etc) and the timeout illuminates the fact that everything is just fine. In these cases, often an explanation or an apology is a nice idea – “sorry I was such a grouch at the movie store… I really needed to eat something.”
    Timeouts can help you to avoid instances in which your emotions dictate your behaviors – and avoiding this cycle can help you to better understand your emotions. It is perhaps harder to notice your emotions if you are automatically reacting to them – often your reactions can confuse your ability to understand the depth of that primary emotion.
     

  • Genograms – reducing blame and finding solutions in your family tree

    Quick summary – When visiting certain therapists (trained in family therapy) you might have the opportunity to do a genogram to shed some light on some of the themes or patterns in your multi-generational family – your family tree. A genogram typically lists 3 to 4 generations of your family (ex. your children, their siblings and their cousins; you, your siblings and your cousins; your parents and their sibling) and uses a combination of shapes and lines to visually symbolize how all the people are connected.  A Genogram can be used for many different purposes – I enjoy helping clients to look for commonality to reduce self-blame and to look for instances in which another family member resolved an issue similar to the client’s presenting concern.
       Example of a genogram (higher = older generation),(square = male and circle = female)(I would have names and ages next to each person’s symbol)       
                 
    Families have rituals, customs, behaviors and beliefs that are passed on from generation to generation – Often people are unaware that they are making choices based on fairly set family values – “what influenced you to parent as you do?” – client answers “I don’t know… that is the way that my parents did it I guess,” (or – “I didn’t want to parent like my parents did.”) Looking at a family tree (genogram) can give you insight into why you make some of the choices that you make.
    Reducing Blame – Often clients (especially parents) will come to a family therapy session feeling really awful as they blame themselves for the difficulties that someone in their family is facing. As a therapist I will often ask clients to point out where this problem exists in other areas of the family to help the client to see that the problem is related to the family as a whole and not a solely to a set individual. (As strength-based therapist I tend to believe that finding fault is less beneficial than finding strengths and solutions).

    • The problem could have a biological explanation, which is easier to identify if you can see that many people in a family have similar symptoms. (ex. “perhaps he is irritable do in part to his digestive issues that I see many men in you family deal with.”)

     

    • The problem could be based on a family ritual that started 80+ years ago (ex. the family tends to drink alcohol when there are financial problems – this ritual started with the clients grandfather during the depression.)

     

    • Genograms can offer a reasonable explanation for a behavior that a client is not proud of. Ex. If a client is blaming himself or herself for emotionally shutting off to their partner it can be helpful for them to identify where in the family that behavior also exists, and why that behavior is adaptable, which will help in the process of finding a replacement for the behavior.

     

    • This is not about transferring blame – chances are you could probably trace many issues for multiple generations. I will talk about trauma in a future blog, but in short it is possible that a problem facing a client today is in some way related to a trauma in the family that happened 100+ years ago. (Ex. If your great grandfather was held in a prisoner camp before he came home to father your grandfather, this experience might affect the way males emotionally engages their children in your family for multiple generations. Ultimately in this example the only thing to blame is an abstraction, being –  a human’s natural reaction to violence and oppression)

     
    Solutions – My absolute favorite set of questions concerning a genogram are-
    – “Who else in your family went through what you are going through in their own way?”  I will then use a colored pen to mark all the people in the client’s family who have experienced a similar concern.
    I then get a different color pen and ask
    – “Out of the people that have experienced a concern like yours, tell me the people that you believe were able to attain a solution that you find agreeable?” (I will name the concern specifically –ex. problems with the legal system).
    After all the people are marked I will ask the client or clients to talk specifically about a family member that overcame their difficulty.
    – “Tell me about this person; how were they able to resolve or overcome this difficulty?”
     
    – “What is it about this person that you admire or what are their strengths?”
    – “In what ways are you similar to this person?”
     
    -“Lets talk about how this family member’s solution might work for you and what changes you would have to make to the solution to meet your specific needs.”
     
    This process has three purposes – it reduces blame, it isolates strengths and solutions that already exist, and it creates a sense of hope (as someone else already succeeded).
     
    “We are what we eat and we are our family” – me
     
    Again I focused this blog on reducing blame and finding solutions, future blogs will cover all the other benefits of the genogram experience. (Often a client will simply look at their genogram and the image will bring about revelations that the therapist could not have anticipated – and sometimes simply naming everyone in the family raises subjects that need to be worked through in therapy – ex. the uncle you admired that passed away too soon.)
     

  • Why Feeling Questions? – Emotional Expression Enhances Bonding

    Quick summary: Exciting new research done by therapists such as Dr. Sue Johnson (the pioneer of emotionally focused therapy) have added efficacy to therapeutic interventions which help clients to express emotions. By sharing your most intimate feelings to your partner you can increase the overall intimacy and relational strength of your union. This makes common sense if you think about it – when you decide to trust someone and to confide in him or her – most believe that this makes you closer or more bonded to that person.
    Couples therapy can offer a safe place for partners to finally release the emotions that they have been holding; the therapist is available to help the couples to sit with and to support the expressed feelings. – In this way there does not need to be anything ‘wrong’ in the relationship for people to seek couples counseling; If a person chooses to heal with their partner present they will gain in two ways – they will overcome their difficulty and they will strengthen their relationship.
    Need the scientific answer? – new research is finding that emotional intimacy (which can be arrived at by sharing emotions with your partner) can increase Oxytocin levels – (there is too much information about this for this blog) – in short Oxytocin is the hormone/neurotransmitter that is released during birth which elicits the love and bonding feelings. Oxytocin is also thought to be responsible for that “crazy – can’t sleep at night – miss the partner after minutes” type of love found typical in the beginning of relationships – this, by the way, goes away naturally (the ‘honeymoon period’ in biologically substantiated – so if after between six months to a year and a half do not fret when your love changes in feeling). So in short, there is a biological explanation for why sharing emotions increases bonding.
    The “how do you feel” question has long been the punch line for satires about therapists… In reality some therapists are very interested about the client’s feelings, but they are significantly more tactful in their questions than Hollywood typically portrays.
    The goal is for the clients to feel the emotions (both for themselves and empathetically for their partner), the reason that therapists get the reputation for asking lots of feeling questions is that it is very common for people to ‘tell’ about their emotions without allowing themselves to experience the emotions.  Most people have probably witnessed what I am talking about (as we all do it) – we watch people talk in a ‘matter of fact’ way about something incredibly emotional… it is not that these people are cold – they have just learned throughout life that restraining emotions in adaptive. For example -after a job I had in which I had to display and extremely high degree of emotional control I had to re-teach myself to cry… there was nothing to cognitively fix… I just needed the comfort of my wife’s presence and the freedom and safety of our bond to express myself.
    Telling about your emotions instead of allowing yourself to feel your emotions has become very important in today’s professional cultures. There are unwritten rules at work which state that you are to restrain from expressing emotions fully (both laughing hysterically and crying tearfully tend to be looked down upon.)
    Restraining emotions is also an adaptive way of ‘getting on with life.’ For many it would be hard to function if they were not avoiding, denying, or rationalizing etc. their emotions.
    We all do it (or most at least) and I can only begin to tell you how good it feels to have your partner hear and care for the emotions that you express. A therapist can be very helpful as we have a tendency (men and women) to try and ‘fix’ our partner’s ‘problem’.
    Emotions can get really bottlenecked… which often leads to stress, anxiety, and irritability.  Sometimes acknowledging an emotion to your partner is the best way to unburden yourself while reaping the benefits of increasing your intimacy. Again, a therapist can help to ensure that your partner does not “pick up” the emotional weight that you are sharing – supporting an emotional does not need to involve taking the emotion.
    We can all struggle with blaming, defensiveness, avoidance and denial – so sometimes it is best to let a therapist help you on this journey.
    In closing, I had a teacher who used the word dignity in relation to how to empathize with a person expressing emotions that you are supporting.
    Allow your partner the dignity to carry his/her own emotions – your partner’s emotions are not for you to carry, but for you to support with your love, hope, compassion and trust.

  • Talking with Teens– Try using authentic open-minded empathetic curiosity.

    Quick Summary: For a teenager, the brain development is at a stage where they are generally dichotomous thinkers (black and white thinking – you are right or you are wrong – no middle ground). The thinking patterns of this developmental stage can make teens difficult to converse with when there is a disagreement. I find four interaction strategies to be of paramount importance in such an instance. I use authenticity, open-mindedness, empathy, and curiosity – With sincerity, I ask clarifying question that have the sole intention of better understanding the teen’s individual opinion and feelings; at the same time I avoid trying to get the teen to arrive at a universal ‘truth’.
    To answer the question regarding the elephant in the room the answer is – YES, there are many adults that are still stuck in using primarily dichotomous thinking, the difference is that most adults are at a stage of brain development that would allow them utilize more open-minded thinking patterns.
    Part of normal development for humans is to go through different stages of brain development, which are all characterized by fairly universal thinking patterns depending on a person’s age. In the beginning of life we all think that we are quite literally the center of the world – we then become teens and start categorizing the world using dichotomous thinking (I like that person or I don’t like that person) – By the time a human is in their senior years many have reached a point of acceptance with the concept that any instance can be good and bad – its all relative, and interdependent (there is no good without bad – “I am good and bad at the same time”).
    The most common dichotomies that I’ve heard expressed (and that I expressed myself in my teenage years – and admittedly after as well:)) are the following: I am either independent or I am not independent (and they generally want to believe that they are independent), If a rule is valid than it should apply to everyone the same (“I should not be in trouble for drinking because you drink too”), I am right or I am wrong, If I am right (about any part of the argument) than you are wrong, and If you misspeak or are incorrect about any part of the argument then you are wrong.
    So what do you do when you are in involved in a conflict with a teen (he/she got caught engaging in unsafe behavior – or they disagree with a rule or a task that you assigned to them)?
    Try Authentic Open-minded Empathetic Curiosity
    Reasons for:
    Authentic – This pertains to the empathy and open-mindedness that you will present. You can’t fake it – so choose the time for your interaction wisely – such as when you feel like you are in control of your emotions. Try reminding yourself that your brain functions differently and look at the interaction as a unique chance to better understand the teen’s dichotomous thinking stage that you went through yourself in your teens.
    Open-minded – If you approach the interaction with the belief that what the teen has to say is absolutely valid in some way or another then you will encourage the teen to express him/her self with greater depth and with less guarded emotions. Emotions are very important – If a teen believes that you are honestly listening (not being defensive) and that you are not openly threatening their independence – then the positive emotions that they hold for you will have a better opportunity to impact their decisions. (Remember the dichotomous thinking – “if you don’t listen to me – I don’t listen to you.”)
    Empathetic – Try walking in their shoes and to honestly try and feel what they are going through. It can be hard being a teen and sometimes, if you listen empathetically, you might see that though their story line is unsafe and somewhat irrational – it does make a bit of sense given the way that they think.
    -ex. “mom I had to get in the car with Dave even though he had been drinking cause if I didn’t he would have gone off with some other girl and besides, the police were coming and they always give out tickets to the kids that are left behind.” Now it might not be possible for you to accept that the teen was with a drunk driver, but it is possible for you to feel the teens fear around getting a tickets and to feel the teen’s insecurity about how she relates to the boy in the story.
    Often the empathy you give will impact the empathy you will receive – so remaining empathetic increases the likelihood that the teen will feel your feelings concerning the decision that was made.
    Curious – Though teens might be dichotomous thinkers they are neither stupid nor are they totally irrational. If you, as the adult, lecture too much they will often turn their focus on finding a fault in your logic (“but what if… no that is not true it was 10:00 and not 10:15 when I got home…”etc). If you approach the interaction with curiosity you will give the teen the opportunity to find the faults in their own logic… In my experience when a teen concludes by his or her self that they were wrong, the lesson is infinitely more valuable then when an adult tells them that they were wrong.
     
    The most important aspect of this intervention: If this method increases the teen’s likelihood of simply talking with you then you have already done excellent work. The more that a teen engages with his/ her family the less likely they are to engage in many unsafe behaviors.
    In in addition to these four interaction strategies I use emotional regulation and my understanding of the difference between knowledge and understanding (these methods will be in a future blog).

  • Relationship Sexually Stuck? – A look at your unwritten rules of engagement.

    Quick summary: a simple tweak to the unwritten rules surrounding physical intimacy can recharge the sex life in a relationship. Most people have set rules regarding sex in their relationships… “It has to be…” or “it is only appropriate when…” or “sex is supposed to be for…” A simple suggestion is to write down with your partner why, or for what reason, you usually have sex; then follow this exercise by writing a list of all the various reasons sex is a useful activity in general… use this information to generate different reasons for sex.
    There are thousands of reasons why sexual activity can change in frequency and procedure over the years… children, work, libido, time etc. Many people express secondary positive outcomes to the experience of sex (reduced stress, increased relationships satisfaction, more hopeful etc), which encouraged me to write a blog concerning how you might improve your sexual relations.
    First of all we usually get in our own way by unconsciously following ‘rules’ concerning sex that we might not even agree with. Rules come from many different places; you might have picked them up from your family, you might have heard a rule expressed in pop culture, or you might have misinterpreted something that your partner said to you etc… either way, I suggest that you might want to look at your rules and see if any of them are not so useful to you (though they might have been very useful in your past).
    For example –
    “I am too tired to have sex” – unwritten rule – ‘don’t have sex when you are tired’
    “I am not in the mood for sex” – unwritten rule – ‘don’t initiate sexual relations including foreplay before you are ready to have sex’.
    “I don’t feel very sexy or romantic” – unwritten rule – ‘sex is supposed to be for romance so do not have sex until the ‘romance’ check list is completed’.
    “I have a lot going on at work.” – Unwritten rule – ‘life must be less complicated for sex to take place.”
    ‘My partner did not do the favor that I asked of her’ – Unwritten rule – ‘sex is something that is earned from meeting an expectation.’
    Now it is your turn – finish the following sentences (you can use them more than once)
    I only have sex if…
    I never have sex if…
    Sex is supposed to be for…
    I don’t have sex because…

    Now try and offer to yourself a reason why this rule might not always be true… you can do this using ration or you can simply look for times in your life when your rule was not true – note -critique your rules and not you partner’s rules. For example if your rule is ‘I don’t have sex when I am stressed” you might reply to yourself -” the times that I have had sex when I was stressed were always good once we started and I always feel better after”. 
    We tend to be very well aware of the reason why not to have sex, but we are not always as aware of the reasons to have sex.
    Before reading the list I have provided below try jotting down all the reasons why you would ever have sex with your partner.
    Below is a selection of Reasons to have sex that I have heard or read about along my therapeutic journey –
    1.) Physical release/orgasm
    2.) Reproduction
    3.) Emotional intimacy
    4.) Romance
    5.) Exercise
    6.) Reproductive health
    7.) To encourage a healthy libido (some studies suggest ‘use it or lose it’ is true)
    8.) For play/ humor/ to have fun
    9.) To help one partner sleep
    10.) For stress of anxiety reduction
    11.) Fantasy, role-playing, or experimenting
    12.) To feel comforted in times of sadness
    13.) To express an emotion
    14.) To celebrate something
    15.) To feel close to someone (we all have different ways by which we feel ‘loved’ by another).
    16.) To be visually stimulated
    17.) To connect spiritually
    18.) For an activity when you are bored
    19.) For passion
    20.) For pleasure
    21.) Conflict Resolution
    You can have as many reasons as you would like to have sex – you don’t need to pick just one.
    There is a subtle difference between ‘rules’ and ‘expectations’ – I will cover expectations in a future blog as this is also an important theme.

  • The interdependence of dependence and independence

    Quick summery –  The interdependence of dependence and independence – by allowing yourself to depend on other people for their assistance, you free yourself to be more independent in those aspects of your life in which independence is more suitable and enjoyable. 
    Why does Hollywood portray therapists as they do? 
    One of the most common themes in Hollywood is rugged independence… there are literally countless movies about a single action hero who single handedly saves the city or the world etc. Perhaps therapists are misrepresented in movies on purpose as a way of exemplifying and romanticizing the stubborn independence of the main character. In short Hollywood both consciously and unconsciously makes therapists appear ‘useless’ to further prove that the ‘ideal’ hero or protagonist is not dependant on anyone (especially someone who is in the profession of strengthening relationships by harvesting an understanding of the ironic interdependence of dependency and independence.) 
    I was recently asked what therapist character in a movie accurately portrays what I do as a therapist. I couldn’t think of any character that has really been all too close… sure some use ‘real techniques’ that you might see in therapy, but almost all of them seem to give therapists a bad name… why? As I stated above it seems to be to the benefit of our most lucrative plot line to cast certain professions into a negative light. This is not a phenomenon that only the therapeutic profession can relate to… the theme of independence ultimately ends up throwing the vast majority of professions under the bus (example: in police movies all the police are useless except for that one detective that has learned that you must break all the rules and rely on no one in order to attain ‘true justice’.)  
    Back to the irony of the interdependence of dependency and independence, and perhaps the ultimate point of this piece – by allowing yourself to depend on other people for their assistance, you free yourself to be more independent in those aspects of your life in which independence is more suitable and enjoyable. If I had had not depended on my parents for support and guidance I would not be enjoying the gift of independently running my own private practice. More specifically if I continued on as the stubbornly independent teenager that I was in my youth I never would have achieved the successes that I hold today… which then afford me a very high degree of independence.  
    The fact that Hollywood romanticizes the stubbornly independent protagonist might make for some really entertaining cinema… and in life the ability to ask for support from others will not only help in the formation of greater independence… it is also a sign of integrity, humility, and strength.  
    Last thought for humor – I remember the 1st time that I really accepted the fact that I was completely dependent on the rest of society in my teenage years. Like many teenagers I thought I pretty much could handle the whole living things without anyone else’s assistance whatsoever. I have always loved cheese and while eating a cheese sandwich it dawned on me that I had no idea how to make cheese… It then dawned on me that I didn’t have a cow even if I did know how to make cheese… then it dawned on me that my parents had bought the cheese that I was eating while I was trying to maintain the belief that I was fully independent. I ate my sandwich while pretending to be more independent than I knew that I was.

  • Argumentative? – substitute the word "but" for "and"

     
    Quick Summary – Are you Argumentative? Always use the conjunction “and” instead of the conjunction “but” to dramatically reduce defensiveness, to encourage harmonious conversation, and to increase your dialectic ability (which is basically open-mindedness).
    I had a wonderful teacher in graduate school who would correct her students any time that they used the conjunction “but” in class. To some this was extremely annoying… to others (like myself) I found that this trick reduced my argumentative interactions to almost zero. There is almost no example that I can think of in which it would not be appropriate for you to switch the conjunctions. And the more you increase your dialectic ability (your ability to see that every issue has two sides – the old ‘there is two sides to every coin’ expression) the more evident it is that the word “but” creates a false dichotomy (black and white thinking – either/or thinking instead of both/and thinking) that is at the source of most arguments.
    Example: a couple wakes up and has a day of errands… both are a bit cranky… it is 9:00 am in the morning. The wife says to the husband, “Honey I need to get to the bank before 12:00.” The husband responds, “But I need to get gas because the car is empty.”
    An argument then begins… why? The word “but” made the interaction imply as if the statements were add odds with each other… to specify the word led them to believe that either the husband needed to get gas or the wife had to get to the bank by 12:00. The truth is that both statements were true and the only problem (the source of the entire argument) was the wording.
    Substituting “but” for “and” example. The wife says to the husband, “Honey I need to get to the bank before 12:00.” The husband responds, “And I need to get gas because the car is empty.” the wife then respond, “ok.”
    Feel how you respond to the examples below if you are not yet sold. For this exercise I want you to say the statements out loud or in your head and monitor how your body reacts.
    These examples are all based on common dialogs.
    “Honey I would love to go to the beach” response “But I am really hungry… I need to stop at a restaurant”
    “Honey I would love to go to the beach” response “and I am really hungry… I need to stop at a restaurant”
    “Let’s go take a swim” response “but I don’t want to get my watch wet”
    “Let’s go take a swim” response “and I don’t want to get my watch wet”
    “I would like to watch a movie sometime today” response “but I need to get some exercise”
    “I would like to watch a movie sometime today” response “and I need to get some exercise”
    And perhaps the most famous-
    “I like the Democratic candidate for his views on the environment” response “but I think that the Republicans will help business owners.”
    “I like the Democratic candidate for his views on the environment” response “and I think that the Republicans will help business owners.”
    How does the “and” feel to you… can you see how the “but” makes statements seem mutually exclusive when they are not? Try it… I bet it will improve your relationships by reducing arguments.