Quick- In this post I will be talking about deconstructing (specifying and simplifying) a problem to more manageable variables. Often times the problem is either to big to be adequately addressed by one simple solution (ex. – to solve pollution lets outlaw gasoline) or the proposed solution neglects to address other related problems (often the proposed solution is to remove someone else’s solution without offering a replacement solution for the more fundamental problem). Successful solution acquisition strategies are something that I have worked very hard on (I have developed a solution engine) – I will start by simply explaining how to identify what I will call the “foundational problem” – or the problem that is at the source of the issue.
Category Archives: Relationship Tips
Timeouts for adults – conflict resolution and avoidance strategies
Quick summary: Timeouts are not just for children – adults should use them at times as well… the difference being that you should give yourself a timeout, and not your partner (if you tell your partner to go take a timeout you are likely in for a bit of conflict). There are many different things that affect our emotional disposition (our mood)… and there are some emotional states which are not best suited for certain interactions. It is helpful in a relationship if a partners can monitor their feelings and make the appropriate choice to take some space (a ‘timeout’) if they are sensing that they will not being able to engage an interaction with their partner in a constructive, honest or reasonable way. Often we present anger when we have not had the time to understand our emotions for ourselves… if you look back on some of your experiences of anger you will probably find that the underlying emotion (the emotion who truly desired to express) was a different feeling – sadness, embarrassment, confusion etc.
Genograms – reducing blame and finding solutions in your family tree
Quick summary – When visiting certain therapists (trained in family therapy) you might have the opportunity to do a genogram to shed some light on some of the themes or patterns in your multi-generational family – your family tree. A genogram typically lists 3 to 4 generations of your family (ex. your children, their siblings and their cousins; you, your siblings and your cousins; your parents and their sibling) and uses a combination of shapes and lines to visually symbolize how all the people are connected. A Genogram can be used for many different purposes – I enjoy helping clients to look for commonality to reduce self-blame and to look for instance in which another family member resolved an issue similar to the client’s presenting concern.
Why Feeling Questions? – Emotional Expression Enhances Bonding
Quick summary: Exciting new research done by therapists such as Dr. Sue Johnson (the pioneer of emotionally focused therapy) have added efficacy to therapeutic interventions which help clients to express emotions. By sharing your most intimate feelings to your partner you can increase the overall intimacy and relational strength of your union. This makes common sense if you think about it – when you decide to trust someone and to confide in him or her – most believe that this makes you closer or more bonded to that person.
Talking with Teens– Try using authentic open-minded empathetic curiosity.
Quick Summary: For a teenager, the brain development is at a stage where they are generally dichotomous thinkers (black and white thinking – you are right or you are wrong – no middle ground). The thinking patterns of this developmental stage can make teens difficult to converse with when there is a disagreement. I find four interaction strategies to be of paramount importance in such an instance. I use an authenticity, open-mindedness, empathy, and curiosity – With sincerity, I ask clarifying question that have the sole intention of better understanding the teen’s individual opinion and feelings; at the same time I avoid trying to get the teen to arrive at a universal ‘truth’.
Relationship Sexually Stuck? – A look at your unwritten rules of engagement.
Quick summary: a simple tweak to the unwritten rules surrounding physical intimacy can recharge the sex life in a relationship. Most people have set rules regarding sex in their relationships… “It has to be…” or “it is only appropriate when…” or “sex is supposed to be for…” A simple suggestion is to write down with your partner why, or for what reason, you usually have sex; then follow this exercise by writing a list of all the various reasons sex is a useful activity in general… use this information to generate different reasons for sex.
The interdependence of dependence and independence
Quick summery – The interdependence of dependence and independence – by allowing yourself to depend on other people for their assistance, you free yourself to be more independent in those aspects of your life in which independence is more suitable and enjoyable.
Argumentative? – substitute the word "but" for "and"
Always use the conjunction “and” instead of the conjunction “but” to dramatically reduce defensiveness, to encourage harmonious conversation, and to increase you dialectic ability (which is basically open-mindedness).