Is the problem delegating the list? or is the list itself the problem? We live in a time that is simultaneously impacted by entitlement/laziness/compulsively seeking comfort and radically overactive/anxious thought patterns. It can be difficult in creating goals in couples counseling when the two partners perceive the root problem to be different. And we arrive […]
Category Archives: Solution Strategies & Goals
Weight loss – what does that food mean to you? Insight, reflection, and replacement in achieving weight loss goals.
Quick summary: I will discuss why certain foods seem or feel impossible to give up and offer a brief suggestion as to what you can do to overcome such an obstacle. Food (as with many other things in life) often has a symbolic importance which is more influential or otherwise important that the simple tangible object that it seems to be.
Forming Secure Attachments – Handout for parents and caregivers
Handout concerning helping a child to form a secure attachment – an alternative to behavioral intervention and other parenting strategies that might not have worked for your child
Addiction Intervention Debate | Increasing Freedom by fostering an increase in consciousness, reflective ability, and emotional availability | Is there always a choice or are certain stimuli too controlling?
This post will talk about the different views on treating substance abuse by looking at the themes of determinism, reflective ability, mindfulness, self-awareness of a person’s emotional self, moral compass, freedom, disassociation, empathy, and addiction.
I will propose the controversial suggestion that some addiction interventions might be unintentionally decreasing a person’s ability to freely make a choice in the space between a stimulus and a response. I will suggest that telling a person that they lack control might be encouraging and/or enabling a lacking of consciousness or growth of a person’s reflective ability.
Compassionately Assertive – Maintaining Boundaries without Aggression – using empathy and clarity to get your needs met
Quick summary: This post will explain how to use empathy, self-awareness, and assertiveness to ensure that your personal boundaries are respected by others. Often we have a difficult time when an instance calls for decisive action in order to help the environment to respect our individual boundaries. Some react with aggressiveness that protects a person’s own boundaries yet often violates another person’s boundaries in the process. Other people are wary of engaging with conflict and therefore choose to not defend themselves or they choose to use an avoidance strategy. I am going to suggest that it is possible to be both assertive and compassionate when helping another person to stop violating your boundaries.
Anger and Arguments – Are you defending the topic or your self?
Quick summary: as part of increasing your self-awareness I suggest that you take a look at the topics that really get you ‘heated’ with the goal of coming to an understanding of how you personally identify with that topic. In this self-exploration you might just find that your emotion has very little to do with the topic and is perhaps more related to: an unresolved occurrence from you past, or an attempt to create a stable sense of who you really are (your identity), or both.
Overcoming addiction to substance – find a replacement behavior that offers a comparable result – hope involves you being both reasonable and honest with yourself
Quick summary: Overcoming a substance addiction can be truly difficult as the majority of substances that people become addicted to offer: significant results, consistent results, fast onset, and results with little to no effort. The reasonable way to overcome an addiction is to isolate what emotional state (happy, uninhibited, spiritual, relaxed, euphoric, carefree, distracted etc) you are trying to achieve with the substance and then isolate and engage in an alternative or a replacement behavior(s) that can lead to the desired emotional disposition (example: if you are trying to feel uninhibited what else can you do to attain such a feeling with less consequences?). Let me be very honest with you… it is rare to find a replacement behavior that will match the ‘quick onset’ and ‘lack of effort’ characteristics of a substance… In short, your replacement behavior will likely require more effort and the emotional disposition that you are trying to achieve will likely take a bit longer to achieve. For most people it is subjectively “more difficult” to attain a desired emotional disposition with a healthy replacement behavior than it is to ingest a substance. Being hopeful involves being both reasonable and honest… many substance abuse programs are therefore selling false hope in my opinion. There seems to be a belief that being honest about the effectiveness of substances impedes recovery… I am suggesting an alternative view… this is my view: substances are incredibly effective and there is no easier way of achieving a desired emotional disposition than to ingest something… healthier behaviors that can elicit the same emotional dispositions have far fewer consequences, often have other wellness benefits (to your physical, emotional, relational and social health), they can have more long lasting results (the emotional doesn’t always leave when the substance leaves your body), and they can help you achieve the desired emotional disposition without a disruptive dependence (you can embrace freedom)… in short the replacement is better for you, and the substance will be easier for you.
Setting realistic expectations and living within those realistic expectations…
Quick summary: When you desire a change or when you desire a certain set outcome, it is helpful to offer acceptance to your limitations so as to live with realistic expectations. To attain a sense of self which is congruent with our most basic intention is can be helpful to allow certain boundaries and guidelines into your life. By setting up realistic expectations we can limit the prevalence and influence of certain stimuli in our lives.
Understanding how your Values impact the choices that you make
In this context I will use the word ‘values’ as having the following definition – a ‘value’ is an emotional state or character attribute that you desire to live within or to be defined by; If you value feeling in control you will make behavioral choices that you believe will lead you to acquiring the relevant emotional disposition… if you value being defined as independent you will make decisions that you believe will assist you in displaying that attribute. By understanding our values we can get a better understanding of what is driving us to engage in certain behavioral patterns. As we gain a greater understanding of our values we can free ourselves to either change an ‘outdated’ or otherwise unwanted value, or we can come up with new behaviors that will help us to arrive at the desired value with fewer consequences. Often times we find that we are stuck in a pattern of behaviors that are not helping us to achieve a desired value.
Creating Motivation for the Change Process – Why creating a mental image of the ‘new you’ works
Quick summary: I am going to explain a theory as to why visualizing the ‘changed’ or ‘new’ you can have a positive impact on your motivation and therefore a positive impact on your ability to meet your goals. Pop psychology and positive psychology have been telling the public to ‘think positive” and to “tell the world what you want instead of what you do not want” for years. The strategy can be effective for some, but it seems that the concepts have been so oversold that skepticism has arrived. I am going to offer a very simple visualization technique with a new reason as to why I believe this technique is effective (I have been using this technique for myself quite a lot lately with awesome results). Visualizing yourself as having achieved your goal can give you a positive feeling that may counter the impact of the negative feelings you consciously or unconsciously associate with the process of changing.
Why are people Defensive? Reducing the anxiety of change
Defensiveness is a behavior that people consciously and unconsciously engage in to avoid the anxiety which inevitably arrives with change. Change requires us to drop our perceptions of permanence… this means that when we change we are offered an experienced example of how our concept of self is ever transient… it can feel uncomfortable to be reminded that who we think that we are is not quite as fixed or stable as we like to believe. People are often defensive to maintain the illusion of an unchanging identity… the belief is that if you defend against suggestions of change you will be able to avoid the anxiety involved in altering your identity or your beliefs. Of course people are also defensive when they fear that your suggestions will have a negative impact on beliefs, people, and organizations etc that are very important to them… In this way people are defending against a perceived threat. For this piece I will be talking about defensiveness when a change is proposed that could be perceived as beneficial by the person receiving the suggestion… when a person is willing to consider that the suggested change might be in their best interest.
Some stress is best left
Quick summary – I have written a lot of blogs about steps that a person could take to reduce their stress and anxiety by simply working on his or herself and his or her relationship with others. There are times in life where the best option might be to find a way to remove your self from the stress-provoking person, place or thing. Stress and anxiety are natural reactions to difficulty and though you can have an affect on your anxiety and stress levels… the human body can only take so much before physical and/or psychological harm occurs. The brain physically adapts to consistent stress by creating more significant or active connections between the stress provoking stimuli and the natural “fight or flight” response… it feels absolutely awful (symptoms of anger, depression and anxiety) to be constantly in the “fight or flight” stress cycle. A person in such a cycle can have the tendency to seek out problems, as they are so hyper vigilant and escalated (increased adrenaline) that they feel like they can’t stop… unfortunately though effort and activity might increase…effectiveness in most areas tends to decrease (ration, comprehension, empathy etc).
Tips for getting your Attachment needs met in your adult relationships
meeting the needs of your partner is a great way of meeting your own needs… having your partner meeting your needs is a great way for them to meet their own needs… meeting your own needs is a great way to make yourself more able to meet the needs of others… meeting the needs of a relationship meets individual and collective needs at the same time…when the needs of a group and the individuals that make up that group are met, all people involved tend to feel happier and healthier.
Argumentative? Dichotomies in conversations lead to arguments not solutions
Quick summary – Couples and politicians alike commonly experience unnecessary unpleasant emotional reactions and a failure to reach a resolution do to the use of false dichotomies in conversation. Dichotomous thinking is what people commonly refer to as “either or thinking” or “black and white thinking” – basically people oversimplify issues so as to believe that their view point is 100% indisputably right and the other view point is 100% indisputably wrong. Solutions and more agreeable conversations simply necessitate that an adult takes into consideration that almost nothing is “black and white”… most everything is in the “grey area.” This would mean that adults would enter into conversations involving different viewpoints with the understanding that both people are both right and wrong at the same time… If you do not have an ability to do this with certain subjects (religion, politics, a vocational technique etc) then it would be best for you to hold an awareness of your inability to converse on such a subject without promoting an argument. It is hard for me to understand how a politician in a democracy can adequately fulfill their job description if they hold tightly to false dichotomies… in my opinion this is why solutions are becoming less common in our current government – we are unintentionally promoting dichotomous thinkers. This ability to hold security and compassion in the face of coexisting opposites is what has been historically described as Wisdom.
Michele Weiner Davis’s ‘Divorce Busting’ – a response
Michele is applying a brief solution-focused intervention specifically to the issue of avoiding divorce (I enjoyed the consistency in that her book is literally and figuratively brief and solution focused).
Combined Wellness intervention
Quick summary: this is a template for a psychotherapy/nutrition combined service which mainly looks at the psychotherapy intervention. A psychotherapist and a nutritionist offer a combined service to assist a client’s mind, body and spirit to work together in achieving optimal health.
Labels, identification, and judgments from an existential view
Quick summary: Sometimes the masses seem to all engage in a consistent behavior … and when such an occurrence happens it is easier perhaps to take the phenomenon for granted so as to not put all too much thought into what motivates such a seemingly universal behavior. Most humans pass judgment, assign rigid labels, and identify with certain beliefs or attributes etc… but why do we do this? Of course there is the basic reason which is fairly consistent amongst all animals – if you label your environment you can act accordingly to increase your likelihood of survival (learning cause and effect demands this ability)… but what about when assigning labels, passing judgment on others, or creating a rigid identity has no measurable outcome on basic survival or is arguably detrimental in some way?… what then is the purpose of this common behavior? From an existential perspective I would suggest that we do such in our endless effort to create meaning from meaningless and to provide evidence that we exist in the first place (perhaps the idea that we don’t truly exist is even more frightening than the inevitability of death). The point is that by better understanding this tendency we are able to move towards a greater acceptance of ambiguity which can set the stage for being more accepting of the transitory nature of all things… this could reduce the anxiety you hold pertaining to the subject of judgment, identification, and labels… and perhaps reduce your need to pass judgments and to hold labels which might not be in your best interest or in the best interests of others.
Forgiveness is the Heart of Justice
Quick Summary: Forgiveness is the heart of justice… by this I mean to say that the ‘justice’ we seek can often be deconstructed into meaning simply vengeance. There is no justice is vengeance as the suffering which we seek justice for actually tends to grow with acts of vengeance (these acts which perpetuate suffering are often validated by suggesting that they are healing mechanisms inherent in the concept of justice). Forgiveness is the balance to suffering… in forgiveness you interact with the suffering as opposed to the host of the suffering (the offender). In forgiveness you see the intention of suffering and you recognize that to balance the suffering in this world you cannot simply take measurable action against other biological entities… suffering is an abstraction… it is with compassion and empathy and love that we might balance the suffering in this existence. Forgiveness is not to condone or to forget… it is to love everything unconditionally.
Forgiveness
“As I forgive I become free… I learn to accept… I gain purpose as forgiveness opens the door for me to help a wider range of people… and I gain love… unconditionally.”
Journaling for health, for context, for hope, for expression and for awareness
“This is Not to Judge or to find Strive to fit within the Confines of Definitions” – old journal entry. I just read an entire old journal of mine and was spirited to share the value of such a practice. My body vibrates with the emotions and body sensations described in my old writings – I have had an interesting journey and am currently living within the hopes of old poems. I have held sadness and I have held stress… in holding such my body has suffered along with the realities that my mind focused its’ attention on… and now I have found a health not yet experienced and I am grateful for my journals as they have put my current state in to a place of context… my journals paint clear pictures of the mountains and valleys of life… exquisite detail… and in my current moment I look at the old words – the deep valleys from which I traveled and am overcome with appreciation. My journals allowed a healing through expression… my journals allowed my spirit to rise above the oppressive or defeatist thoughts of my mind… my journals hold my poetic and lyrical most fundamental self… my journals show me where I have been and hints to where I am going… my journals show love to be infinite… my journals show my self to be consistent and continuous… my journals show the gifts of resolution and wellness that were given to me that I may pass on to those around me.