Quick summary: The reason that love is so difficult to define has much to do with the fact that the word “love” means far too many things in the English language. I will define the three most common definitions of love. Love is a euphoric to terrifying rollercoaster ride of emotions, love is a label for something we enjoy and would like to experience with great frequency, and love is when a relationship offers felt security, deep attachment, selflessness, and a place to freely experience authenticity (the real you… the you that is allowed to be vulnerable, confident and honest).
7 Health and Weight loss tips from a psychotherapist who is married to a nutritionist
Quick summary: My wife, Franziska Bishop, is a Master’s level nutritionist who writes a really awesome nutrition blog www.justalittlechocolate.com . For this post I am going to be extremely brief and quickly tell you a few tricks that I have picked up from my wife that have been immensely beneficial to my ability to maintain optimal health.
Why are people Defensive? Reducing the anxiety of change
Defensiveness is a behavior that people consciously and unconsciously engage in to avoid the anxiety which inevitably arrives with change. Change requires us to drop our perceptions of permanence… this means that when we change we are offered an experienced example of how our concept of self is ever transient… it can feel uncomfortable to be reminded that who we think that we are is not quite as fixed or stable as we like to believe. People are often defensive to maintain the illusion of an unchanging identity… the belief is that if you defend against suggestions of change you will be able to avoid the anxiety involved in altering your identity or your beliefs. Of course people are also defensive when they fear that your suggestions will have a negative impact on beliefs, people, and organizations etc that are very important to them… In this way people are defending against a perceived threat. For this piece I will be talking about defensiveness when a change is proposed that could be perceived as beneficial by the person receiving the suggestion… when a person is willing to consider that the suggested change might be in their best interest.
Some stress is best left
Quick summary – I have written a lot of blogs about steps that a person could take to reduce their stress and anxiety by simply working on his or herself and his or her relationship with others. There are times in life where the best option might be to find a way to remove your self from the stress-provoking person, place or thing. Stress and anxiety are natural reactions to difficulty and though you can have an affect on your anxiety and stress levels… the human body can only take so much before physical and/or psychological harm occurs. The brain physically adapts to consistent stress by creating more significant or active connections between the stress provoking stimuli and the natural “fight or flight” response… it feels absolutely awful (symptoms of anger, depression and anxiety) to be constantly in the “fight or flight” stress cycle. A person in such a cycle can have the tendency to seek out problems, as they are so hyper vigilant and escalated (increased adrenaline) that they feel like they can’t stop… unfortunately though effort and activity might increase…effectiveness in most areas tends to decrease (ration, comprehension, empathy etc).
Changing unhelpful beliefs – "If ____________ then I will be happy"
Quick summary: there is a common belief that many of us hold which is based on what I will call the “if – then -” philosophy. Many of us believe that happiness is something to be found in the future. In order to reach this goal of happiness (or relaxation or whatever the emotional goal might be) we create a belief system which quantifies what we need in order to be happy. We tell our selves “If __________ (the blank is an occurrence that has not happened yet) then I will be __________ (the blank is whatever the emotional goal is. Example: at peace, relaxed, happy, ready, confident etc). The problem that arises is that this belief is rarely ever true, and even when it hold a degree of truth we rarely pause long enough to actually enjoy the positivity which was to be acquired at meeting the goal. The point that I am trying to make is that many of us have reached the goals that we set countless times, and yet we still find the emotional reward that was to accompany that goal to be elusive. I am not suggesting to stop setting goals, instead I am suggesting for you to allow yourself gratitude for what you already have and for what you have already accomplished. Happiness is something that you innately and infinitely possess sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to stop your never-ending wants so that you can enjoy the happiness and wonder of this very moment.
What is the meaning of Life? – To live… consciousness of consciousness in existence
I have contemplated the meaning of life and when asked what it is I usually defer to, “I don’t think that my brain is evolved to understand such things,” or “I am not sure that I am supposed to know… and I find that lack of existential responsibility to be comforting.” Today I will offer that perhaps the meaning of life is simply to live. When I say such a thing most people jump to anarchy, hedonism, and/or an existence without ethics and morality. To that I would reply that I believe that morals, ethics and structure are a part of existence, which life’s consciousness quantifies with terminology, relationship, math or language so that we reach some degree of understanding of the apparent balance of all existence. So to clarify, the meaning of life is then to live within the balance of existence… and to have life means to have a direct individual experience of this balance… to be able to experience this interconnectedness of everything from an individual perspective.
Psychotherapy Forum – Start a new Topic and Join the Discussion in the Wellness Forum
I have set up a Wellness forum for the readers of this blog... Start a new Topic and Join the Discussion in the Wellness Forum.
Mindfulness Interventions for Both the Therapist and the Client to Increase Therapeutic Effectiveness When Treating Trauma
Research has suggested that Mindfulness interventions can be extremely beneficial in the treatment and prevention of symptoms associated with trauma and vicarious trauma. The intention of this paper is to look into the possible positive effects of incorporating Mindfulness practices into therapist self care routines, and therapeutic interventions. To arrive at such an end this paper will briefly discuss the basic tenants of mindfulness and will then move on in examining studies which have noted the positive effects of mindfulness integration. In closing this paper will outline why a Mindfulness state is so critical in relation to recovery from trauma.
Human Sexuality and Stress Management
Quick summary: Sex has a positive impact on stress and yet stress has a negative impact on sexual frequency and desire. I have two suggestions: one, intentionally engage in practices that reduce the distracting power of stress so that you and your partner are more able to focus on the potential of sexuality in the moment, and two, allow your insight and knowledge of the relationship between sex and stress to serve as a motivator to initiate foreplay so that the resulting sex can help you to manage your stress. Either way, increasing sexuality in a committed relationship has been researched to be linked with decreased stress (an incidentally, an increased immune system). If you look at what chemicals (I will be calling hormones and neurotransmitters chemicals for simplicity) are released in the brain when you take anti-anxiety and/or depression medications you will find that your body naturally releases many of the same chemicals during sex (and exercise and unfortunately when eating high calorie foods – this is why we crave items that are not in the best interest of our bodies – increasing calorie intake was historically necessary for survival – now the opposite is often true, but our biology has not changed). Sex does not have all the side effects of medication such as a reduced libido. Sex in a committed relationship (yes the improvements are more significant in a trusting relationship… some of the positive chemicals are not released simply do to orgasm) has a wide range of positive impacts.
Reducing suffering – How trying to avoid or control suffering often increases suffering – When to act and when to accept without action
I will speak most on the suffering which we cause for ourselves when we distract, avoid, overwork, and over think with the good intentioned yet futile goal of attempting to control chaos, to create predictability, or to force reality into looking like our expectations.
Guided Visualization for Emotional Resiliency – comforting a younger you
Quick summary: I will offer a visualization technique that allows for a person to comfort their self so as to reach a resolution for a strong emotion or a ruminating thought that is being carried. Often we carry an emotional reactivity to certain stimuli that is based in part on an unresolved issue that happened earlier in our life. Very often we have the skills, strengths, awareness, or control now that would have helped us to better navigate a difficulty that we experienced in the past. This technique allows for you to imagine your younger self and to help that self towards recovery with the advantageous traits you now embody.
Structural family therapy summary
Quick Summary: I am providing a summary of Structural Family therapy. I will define all relevant terms and offer an explanation as to what structural therapy might typically look like.
Tips for getting your Attachment needs met in your adult relationships
meeting the needs of your partner is a great way of meeting your own needs… having your partner meeting your needs is a great way for them to meet their own needs… meeting your own needs is a great way to make yourself more able to meet the needs of others… meeting the needs of a relationship meets individual and collective needs at the same time…when the needs of a group and the individuals that make up that group are met, all people involved tend to feel happier and healthier.
Argumentative? Dichotomies in conversations lead to arguments not solutions
Quick summary – Couples and politicians alike commonly experience unnecessary unpleasant emotional reactions and a failure to reach a resolution do to the use of false dichotomies in conversation. Dichotomous thinking is what people commonly refer to as “either or thinking” or “black and white thinking” – basically people oversimplify issues so as to believe that their view point is 100% indisputably right and the other view point is 100% indisputably wrong. Solutions and more agreeable conversations simply necessitate that an adult takes into consideration that almost nothing is “black and white”… most everything is in the “grey area.” This would mean that adults would enter into conversations involving different viewpoints with the understanding that both people are both right and wrong at the same time… If you do not have an ability to do this with certain subjects (religion, politics, a vocational technique etc) then it would be best for you to hold an awareness of your inability to converse on such a subject without promoting an argument. It is hard for me to understand how a politician in a democracy can adequately fulfill their job description if they hold tightly to false dichotomies… in my opinion this is why solutions are becoming less common in our current government – we are unintentionally promoting dichotomous thinkers. This ability to hold security and compassion in the face of coexisting opposites is what has been historically described as Wisdom.
Does being drunk make you uninhibited? | alcohol, authenticity and primal instinct
Quick summary: Alcohol comes up quite a bit in counseling as most people who have drunk until intoxication have a story about how a drunken occurrence impacted a relationship. Clients have noticed that there is somewhat of a correlation between being drunk and having affairs… the question then naturally arises, “Does being drunk make you uninhibited?... Upon clarification they might say, “Does being drunk give people the freedom to engage in behaviors that their authentic self has always wanted to engage in?” When asked this question point blank I answered, “I don’t think so, it seems to me that being drunk simply makes people more primal… they become less inhibited and arguably less moral, ethical and logical in attaining their most basic bodily needs. Basically, being drunk generally encourages people to procreate with less selectivity… to ruthlessly obtain and eat high calorie foods… to aggressively assert dominance over what they would define as territory…to urinate without regards to social norms… and to sleep in less than ideal settings.”
Authentic Self – Are you the work you or the outside of work you?
Perhaps to increase your happiness in all areas of your life it is best to be as authentic or honest as possible. We suffer when we resist a part of ourselves. To have your ideal vocational environment perhaps it is best to find a place where you can displays all sides of yourself… ultimately this should be to the benefit to all those you serve.
Do Therapists get Therapy? | Controlling bias and counter-transference in counseling
Quick summary: Many psychotherapy programs mandate that their students receive their own psychotherapy services… in my opinion it should be a requirement for all psychotherapists. Therapy is an effective way for a therapist to resolve issues such as personal bias, prejudice, ruminating, and emotional reactivity so that they can be fully present and non-judgmental with their own clients. Counter-transference is a term that dates back to Freud… Instead an in-depth explanation of the phenomenon let me put it this simply… Counter transference is when a therapist projects their own stuff (unresolved issues) onto the client… the therapist is not generally conscious of the fact that they are doing so.
How do you find the right therapist for you?
Quick summary: To find a therapist listen to your gut… just like most things in life your intuition tends to be correct… if it feels like a therapist can be helpful to you… then they probably will be. The research has found that the therapeutic relationship is the most important component to successful therapeutic outcomes… in short, if you don’t like, trust, or feel empathized for by your therapist then the therapy is not likely to be effective. Also it is theoretical adaptability and not rigidity which has been correlated with successful therapists – this means that researchers such as Scott Miller (http://www.scottdmiller.com/) have found that successful therapists are those who adapt the therapy to the specific needs of the clients instead of doing things the same way for every client for their entire career (this is why experience doesn’t always effect outcome… many people in all fields do the same less effective thing for their whole career as they resist change or adaptation) .
Allowing and Believing
Quick summary: Lately I have noticed that not all obstacles are nearly as insurmountable as I had previously thought… I am not intending to suggest that environmental roadblocks do not exist… instead I am suggesting that perhaps the greatest wall keeping us from our ambitions, life paths, meaning, desires etc are related to an inability to allow. The question I am posing today is simply this – what would come to be in your life if you allowed yourself to try and what would come to be in your life if you allowed yourself to be different from the masses. In order to allow you must believe… not in the certainty of the future… but in yourself in the moment.
Courage to use your Strength to attend to your Fear
Quick summary: I am offering a discussion on the difference between Strength and Courage. My hope is that by helping people to see what courage is… they may be more likely to use that courage to express the potential of their authentic self. Courage is willingly engaging yourself in something that you view as very difficult… something that requires emotional strength… something that on the surface would seem to be easier to avoid, repress, or defend against (to rigidly close your mind too). It takes strength to be courageous and is takes strength to suppress your courage. Define what is ‘courageous’ for yourself… your answer may shed light on what you could do to bring your self into balance.