Quick summary: If you allow yourself selfishness you can increase the effectiveness of your selfless intentions. There are many different types of people and people are impacted by the drives of selflessness and selfishness in differing ways and by differing degrees. The message here is most suited for the people who act with intended selflessness [...]
Motivation v.s. Dedication … Can dedication be created?
Quick summary: My coach at Easton Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in Boulder Colorado chose to talk about the difference between motivation and dedication to illustrate an important point that he arrived at while contemplating the journey in becoming a black belt. I believe he had two intentions – one was to inspire and the other was to assist in the students by offering them a glimpse of reality (the reality being that in a process which takes years and is exceptionally difficult, many if not most people will fail to reach their initial goal). The basic concept is that nothing good comes without effort, and motivation does not ensure the same longevity of that effort as dedication can provide. Motivation is fleeting and is often related to the positive impulses of a finite time period... because of the inherent finite nature of motivation, motivation alone will not produce the effort needed to achieve a long-term goal. Dedication is an internal contract which attempts to guarantee that effort or work will continue with regularity even when motivation is lacking or when apathy or hopelessness are present (this is the definition in my own mind… the actual original definition of dedication suggests that it is an external process – almost every definition I could find had to do with faith or religion – I believe that both I and my couch are talking more of an unrelenting commitment to an internal goal or intention.) This point is very accessible when related to exercise – it is unreasonable to assume that you will have motivation to train or workout every day that is needed for you to meet your individual goals – sometimes you’ll be tired, lazy, apathetic… it could be too cold, too hot, too rainy etc. Those who succeed will need to be dedicated to follow through even when they have zero motivation. Is dedication a choice that all people have equal access to? If dedication was a learned behavior that could be grown in apparently un-dedicated people what effect would this have on our culture?
Love is something we experience with our emotions
This sounds very obvious – what is less understood is that many people impact their ability to love by using logic and other defenses to guard themselves from the suffering that love can bring. As a couples therapist I can suggest that when you guard yourself from being emotionally impacted from your partner, you often unintentionally make your partner less important to you… it seems that it is virtually impossible to love someone if you have successfully protected yourself from being emotionally responsive to your partner… in making your emotions concerning an your partner ‘unimportant’ you in turn make your partner ‘unimportant’. There are many different ways to interact with our environment… in different time periods and in different cultures we find that one interaction or organizational tool is used with greater frequency and value than another tool (hearing, vision, logic, being mindful, and using emotion etc are examples of ‘interaction or organizational tools’). Currently logic seems to be in favor though I am both excited and hopeful that other tools seem to be gaining popularity. The point of all this is simple – with the tendency for our culture to favor the use of logic many people are finding themselves falling out of love with their partners. Often this is do to an individual’s conscious or unconscious intention to protect themselves from the vulnerabilities which are inherent in being emotionally available… though such a method is useful in certain professional functions and though it is indeed a safeguard against certain types of suffering, the method creates a problem itself… using logic to trump emotions seems to disable some of your ability to love… an inability to love often creates a suffering which can neither be fully understood nor resolved by logic… perhaps the explanation for this is simple… you don’t hear with your eyes, you don’t see with your mouth, and you don’t experience love with your logic…so again… Love is something we experience with our emotions.
Labels, identification, and judgments from an existential view
Quick summary: Sometimes the masses seem to all engage in a consistent behavior … and when such an occurrence happens it is easier perhaps to take the phenomenon for granted so as to not put all too much thought into what motivates such a seemingly universal behavior. Most humans pass judgment, assign rigid labels, and identify with certain beliefs or attributes etc… but why do we do this? Of course there is the basic reason which is fairly consistent amongst all animals – if you label your environment you can act accordingly to increase your likelihood of survival (learning cause and effect demands this ability)… but what about when assigning labels, passing judgment on others, or creating a rigid identity has no measurable outcome on basic survival or is arguably detrimental in some way?… what then is the purpose of this common behavior? From an existential perspective I would suggest that we do such in our endless effort to create meaning from meaningless and to provide evidence that we exist in the first place (perhaps the idea that we don’t truly exist is even more frightening than the inevitability of death). The point is that by better understanding this tendency we are able to move towards a greater acceptance of ambiguity which can set the stage for being more accepting of the transitory nature of all things… this could reduce the anxiety you hold pertaining to the subject of judgment, identification, and labels… and perhaps reduce your need to pass judgments and to hold labels which might not be in your best interest or in the best interests of others.
Forgiveness is the Heart of Justice
Quick Summary: Forgiveness is the heart of justice… by this I mean to say that the ‘justice’ we seek can often be deconstructed into meaning simply vengeance. There is no justice is vengeance as the suffering which we seek justice for actually tends to grow with acts of vengeance (these acts which perpetuate suffering are often validated by suggesting that they are healing mechanisms inherent in the concept of justice). Forgiveness is the balance to suffering… in forgiveness you interact with the suffering as opposed to the host of the suffering (the offender). In forgiveness you see the intention of suffering and you recognize that to balance the suffering in this world you cannot simply take measurable action against other biological entities… suffering is an abstraction… it is with compassion and empathy and love that we might balance the suffering in this existence. Forgiveness is not to condone or to forget… it is to love everything unconditionally.
Fear
“Fear is a choice… it tempts you to follow… what will you choose to do… to believe…to feel?” Quick summary: So I was contemplating feelings of discomfort that I was holding some time ago and I started to think about this article that I had just read concerning a scientific discussion about our universe and the possibility of other universes existing that were governed by differing laws of physics. Fear is the feeling that I was holding… I was uncertain about some huge life choices that I had recently made and I was fearful about the lack of predictability in my life. Then I started thinking about the other universes and I tried to conceptualize what a universe, which was governed by different laws of physics, would look and act like. I imagined another universe crashing into our universe… I started laughing at how ridiculous my thoughts were… then I started to laugh at how ridiculous fear was in general. Fearing the future became quite the same thing as fearing another universe crashing into our universe… I decided that it did not do me all too much good to fear such things… or anything.
Forgiveness
“As I forgive I become free… I learn to accept… I gain purpose as forgiveness opens the door for me to help a wider range of people… and I gain love… unconditionally.”
Chaos, structure, rigidity, compassion and acceptance
Quick summary: The path to “enlightenment” is indeed a bit confusing and as I was contemplating my own journey I came to an interesting point of discovery. I have not reached enlightenment and therefore do not know exactly what it is … perhaps until you reach the state, the experience of enlightenment in mostly inconceivable; I will offer some interesting notes that pertain to my current journey. I was thinking about how a path of chaos or a path of structure might lead a person to acceptance and compassion (generally thought of as the more important ingredients in an enlightened entity). I will define acceptance as – freedom from automatic reaction, freedom from automatic categorizing, living in the moment, instantaneous forgiveness, unconditional love and compassion for all, and a drive for harmony and balance with a genuine empathy for that which disrupts the balance.
Journaling for health, for context, for hope, for expression and for awareness
“This is Not to Judge or to find Strive to fit within the Confines of Definitions” – old journal entry. I just read an entire old journal of mine and was spirited to share the value of such a practice. My body vibrates with the emotions and body sensations described in my old writings – I have had an interesting journey and am currently living within the hopes of old poems. I have held sadness and I have held stress… in holding such my body has suffered along with the realities that my mind focused its’ attention on… and now I have found a health not yet experienced and I am grateful for my journals as they have put my current state in to a place of context… my journals paint clear pictures of the mountains and valleys of life… exquisite detail… and in my current moment I look at the old words – the deep valleys from which I traveled and am overcome with appreciation. My journals allowed a healing through expression… my journals allowed my spirit to rise above the oppressive or defeatist thoughts of my mind… my journals hold my poetic and lyrical most fundamental self… my journals show me where I have been and hints to where I am going… my journals show love to be infinite… my journals show my self to be consistent and continuous… my journals show the gifts of resolution and wellness that were given to me that I may pass on to those around me.
Gestalt Psychotherapy – an overview
For this post I will give an overview of Gestalt psychotherapy, which is popular for both its’ experiential nature and its large amount of techniques.
Spend your energy on that which you can truly influence
Quick summary: How much time and energy do you spend on things that appear to be urgent and important that are not particularly urgent or important to you, your family, or your community directly? My sister sent me an article about how little of an effect politics and government agendas actually have on the more important variables concerning a population such as longevity and overall quality of life. The author provided some very compelling research that very much substantiated his point… he displayed how dramatic government policy shifts ended up having very little effect on variables we tend to think of as most important. I then was reading a condensed version of ‘The seven habits of highly effective people’ and found that the author said somewhat of the same thing… spend most of your energy on that which you can significantly influence. Other saying started popping in my head such as “think globally act locally”… I came to the realization that I completely agree… my intention would be to do so… but I too get caught up in over thinking about issues that I really don’t have much control over. The process is detrimental on a range from wasted energy all the way to being destructive and isolating as the energy spent often does not produce while it does create more conflict.
the 7 things you need to create meaningful change – precursors of change
Quick summary: Dr. Fred Hanna did some excellent work on identifying the variables which must be in place in order for a person to experience change. He not only studied these 7 variables he also came out with specific techniques to encourage those variables into existence. according to him the seven precursors of change are A sense of necessity - a willingness or readiness to experience anxiety - awareness - confronting the problem - effort of will towards change - hope for change - and social support for change.
Attachment – why we say and emote one way when we truly feel and think a different way
Quick summary: I was just re-reading some articles on Emotionally Focused Therapy and on Attachment Theory and I thought I might offer a noteworthy piece of information. Often we say what we don’t mean and we offer an emotional response which is different from how we truly feel in order to protect ourselves from attending to our attachment concerns or fears… ok, so what does that mean? Quite simply it is easier to attack, avoid, defend or distract than it is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and to express your vulnerability concerning an important relationship… it is easier to be mad than it is to be sad… very often anger and emotional withdrawal are very effective means of distracting yourself from your sadness or your fear. Vulnerability arrives when we acknowledge that we hold fear about losing relationships which are important to us... Relational bliss lies within the honesty of allowing yourself to acknowledge your vulnerability in a supportive and empathetic relationship.
The Talking Cure for Trauma – holding freedom – you are the lotus
Quick overview: There are many aspects to the trauma recovery process such as support, empowerment, finding new meaning, and engaging in techniques which help to ‘rewire’ the brain. In this blog I will talk about the benefits of talking to a trusted, supportive and safe person such as a therapist (or to your loved ones or to a group of survivors with the assistance of a therapist). Talking about a traumatic incidence in a safe and supportive setting can free a person to experience repressed emotions (emotions affect us whether we are conscious of their existence or not), to make new meaning of the occurrence, and to become empowered by his/her ability to take control over the subject. * You dictate your own reality through the stories
‘Empirically based practice’ has been proven irrelevant to therapy outcomes – empirically
Quick summary: check out www.scottmiller.com -With all the political talk about healthcare reform sometimes we can miss the idea of reforming the healthcare which is already in place. The current trend in psychotherapy is and has been (for about a decade) to find a ‘one size fits all’ ‘empirically based or evidence based intervention’ which can be standardized and implemented consistently by all mental health practitioners… sounds somewhat reasonable in theory especially if psychotherapy is to be looked at as a purely medical intervention. So what is the problem? Ironically scientific investigation has proven that the evidence-based trend is unhelpful (the trend will not improve therapeutic outcomes – note: outcomes were already very good before the trend)… and having worked within a mental health center I would suggest that the trend is horribly hurtful as it wastes an unthinkable amount of money, time, and emotional and physical energy. Whoever came up with this trend seemed to overlook all the science related to therapeutic outcomes, which show (and had shown even prior to the evidence based movement) that the technique and the theory used by the therapist is almost irrelevant to successful psychotherapy outcomes (some studies find no relevance others suggest theory and technique accounts for about 8% of outcome).Therapy will not advance if it is continued to be managed as such… fortunately there is exciting research about what does impact outcomes – feedback and adaptability. Would you prefer a therapist who used one way of helping everyone or a therapist who specifically catered their therapy to serve the specific and unique needs of each individual client? Is there one universal answer to the question, “how can I help you,” as it is related to therapy?
Stating your internal feelings – acknowledge for acceptance – resistance is suffering
Quick summary – are you crazy if you intentionally talk to yourself? What about all the unintentional talking (thoughts that your have automatically) in your head that happens all day? I do not remember where I learned the habit of acknowledging my emotions to myself, but I just started the practice up again… and it works great – journaling or writing a dairy has the same positive affects. For this blog post I will skip the science and simply give you some exercises to try. The idea is to say aloud what ever you are experiencing. ex. “I am feeling guilty that the waitress was offended by the way I ordered.” You can also acknowledge these feelings to another person who is available to listen.
Past blame or “whose fault it is” and on to solutions
Quick summary: whose fault is it? This question is a big one from governmental to family politics. How does assigning fault help in the solution? The most common argument is that “if people know that they were wrong than they will not make the same choice again in the future.” the problem with this logic arrives when the ‘fault’ was either an accident or the fault was do to probability not landing in a person’s favor. To be more specific, accidents happen and life is not predictable – random things occur. Though it is important to find fault in select incidences (ex. who was the criminal in this case), the act of assigning fault simply delays the acquisition of a solution in many cases. What is the point? – perhaps solutions are more important than assigning blame, and even in those instances were fault needs to be assigned to support justice we should not loose site of creating solutions.
Externalization – you are with the problem… you are separate from the problem
Quick summary – externalization is a technique from Narrative therapy which uses language to separate a person from their problem so that the person is better able to manage that problem. The basic idea is that it is easier to fix a concern if the concern is not rigidly attached to the person’s identity or personality (you are not stubborn… you use stubborn behavior). In this way the therapist would help a person to see that they are not a depressed person… but rather they are a person living with depression. This process offers perceptual freedom to a person… If they no longer view themselves as innately depressed then they can choose what to do with the depression which is with them (as it never was truly part of them). Narrative theory tends to view diagnosis as counter productive as a diagnosis encourages a person to over identify with the label… this takes away the person’s freedom and hope.
Motivation to Exercise – why it is hard and how to make it easier
Quick summary – Therapist are not allowed to prescribe exercise for liability reasons though many of us have an understanding of neurology and the connection between physical and mental health… the research is both abundant and specific (as with most fields we are required to tell you to consult with a doctor to ensure that you are healthy enough to exercise). Much of what pharmacology (taking medication – such as anti –anxiety pills) does is to reproduce the release of neurotransmitters (think of them like chemical signals in the brain which affect or ‘turn on or off’ your thoughts, emotions, your hormone levels and ultimately your behaviors). Neurotransmitters associated with reducing depression, anxiety and stress are often released naturally during experiences such as exercise. Exercise has been studied to reduce stress, sleep problems, anxiety and depression while increasing euphoria, hope, sexual drive and neurogenesis (basically the creation, maintenance, and enhancement of neurons which are the functioning ‘parts’ of you brain.) The association between exercise and the resulting benefits does not happen naturally for reasons that I will explain – you must create the associations yourself
Harmful Interaction Patterns – which do you do and what can help?
Quick summary - Dr. John Gottman has done extensive research on the variables which affect a stable marriage (or committed relationship). He is able to predict with just over 90% accuracy if a couple will eventually divorce after as little as 5 minutes of observation. He isolated four interaction patterns (he calls them the 4 horsemen) which are potentially devastating to a relationship. The interaction patterns to work on are contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. Please note that we all engage in these interaction patterns… the harm is related to frequency, degree and the absence of reparation strategies and a firm relational foundation. You might not be aware that you are using any of these patterns… couples therapy can help increase your awareness of what interaction you tend to utilize (and why) and what you can do to improve the interactions in your relationship.