Quick summary – Dr. John Gottman has done extensive research on the variables which affect a stable marriage (or committed relationship). He is able to predict with just over 90% accuracy if a couple will eventually divorce after as little as 5 minutes of observation. He isolated four interaction patterns (he calls them the 4 horsemen) which are potentially devastating to a relationship. The interaction patterns to work on are contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. Please note that we all engage in these interaction patterns… the harm is related to frequency, degree and the absence of reparation strategies and a firm relational foundation. You might not be aware that you are using any of these patterns… couples therapy can help increase your awareness of what interaction you tend to utilize (and why) and what you can do to improve the interactions in your relationship.
Tag Archives: defensive
Argumentative? – substitute the word "but" for "and"
Always use the conjunction “and” instead of the conjunction “but” to dramatically reduce defensiveness, to encourage harmonious conversation, and to increase you dialectic ability (which is basically open-mindedness).